Some days I feel so broken.
That's all..
Friday, July 20, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
New Day. Starting Over.
Why is it when you are driving in the car, at least me... that I start to think of all the things that I want to write down? I don't have a computer around me when I feel the urge to write, in fact, later on (like now) I have to make myself try to get it out.
I am often surprised, like many of us, about how people look at me. What they think about me. Some good, some bad. I mean, I do believe that there is "a little truth to everything", usually. So I can't say that what they think is false. Let's take this example:
During a discussion with a co-worker, she was surprised to find out how deep my self-esteem problems went. Here is the gist of the conversation.
Now, I get this is a plus. I look like I am confident most times, like I am not interested if you have something shitty to say about me. Well, it isn't true. I care. I spend a lot of time worrying, and caring. I have also spent a good deal of my life cultivating the "to the world, Kim" to look as if she doesn't care. How else would I be able to survive a childhood filled with people who didn't understand that they were sucking the self-esteem out of me. Maybe that isn't the right way to put it. But when are treated like an outcast, by those who are supposed to love you and care for you, after a while, you say to yourself, "FUCK YOU, you aren't going to get the best of me." But truthfully, they get the best of me, because I spend a hell of a lot of time on it.
And let's reframe this. It IS a good thing that I look like I don't really care what you think about me. I succeeded at that. Now I just have to make it so that I actually don't care. To some extent it is healthy to care what people think about you, but when someone has shown you again and again that you aren't important. They use you to help try to boost their own ego, even if it doesn't work, it's time to rethink who you are letting into your life.
I have recently let someone out of my life like that. And I can honestly say, it made all the difference in my world. There was part of me that identified with that person. But not with the parts I like about me. Now that she is gone, I need to notice what those parts are and make an effort to change those behaviors.
I am worthy of happiness. I have many good qualities. No one is perfect. But it doesn't stop there. You can't just think that because no one is perfect and you put in a tiny effort and that is good enough. If I have a negative thought about myself or someone else... then saying "No one is perfect" is just an excused to continue to the behavior. I may not be perfect, I will never be perfect, but I am sure as hell not going to give up being a good person and finding the best in people. That can only lead me to find the best in myself. I am not going to give up my quest to love myself and feel worthy of affection, love, hugs. I deserve those things. Everyone does.
I am often surprised, like many of us, about how people look at me. What they think about me. Some good, some bad. I mean, I do believe that there is "a little truth to everything", usually. So I can't say that what they think is false. Let's take this example:
During a discussion with a co-worker, she was surprised to find out how deep my self-esteem problems went. Here is the gist of the conversation.
Me: Do you ever feel like no one will like you when you walk into a room.
Her: [Enter horrified look] No, actually, I never think that.
Me: Oh.
Her: I am surprised that you feel that way, since, you really come off like you don't care what people think.
Now, I get this is a plus. I look like I am confident most times, like I am not interested if you have something shitty to say about me. Well, it isn't true. I care. I spend a lot of time worrying, and caring. I have also spent a good deal of my life cultivating the "to the world, Kim" to look as if she doesn't care. How else would I be able to survive a childhood filled with people who didn't understand that they were sucking the self-esteem out of me. Maybe that isn't the right way to put it. But when are treated like an outcast, by those who are supposed to love you and care for you, after a while, you say to yourself, "FUCK YOU, you aren't going to get the best of me." But truthfully, they get the best of me, because I spend a hell of a lot of time on it.
And let's reframe this. It IS a good thing that I look like I don't really care what you think about me. I succeeded at that. Now I just have to make it so that I actually don't care. To some extent it is healthy to care what people think about you, but when someone has shown you again and again that you aren't important. They use you to help try to boost their own ego, even if it doesn't work, it's time to rethink who you are letting into your life.
I have recently let someone out of my life like that. And I can honestly say, it made all the difference in my world. There was part of me that identified with that person. But not with the parts I like about me. Now that she is gone, I need to notice what those parts are and make an effort to change those behaviors.
I am worthy of happiness. I have many good qualities. No one is perfect. But it doesn't stop there. You can't just think that because no one is perfect and you put in a tiny effort and that is good enough. If I have a negative thought about myself or someone else... then saying "No one is perfect" is just an excused to continue to the behavior. I may not be perfect, I will never be perfect, but I am sure as hell not going to give up being a good person and finding the best in people. That can only lead me to find the best in myself. I am not going to give up my quest to love myself and feel worthy of affection, love, hugs. I deserve those things. Everyone does.
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