Becoming One with the Grief.

Grief is a funny thing.  It's been eleven years since my little girl died.  I've work hard in the past to get to a place where I didn't let grief control me.  At some point, as much as I wanted to cry, I stopped letting myself cry.  Not because I was afraid of what people were thinking, or anything, but because it was giving me headaches, my asthma was worse, the crying itself was making me sick. 

So I tried not to cry. It got easier as things went on.  I learned to feel when I was headed into the place in my head where I would start crying, and I would tell myself to think of something else and eventually, I could.  During this process I also felt guilty for doing this, but remembered that she would hate that I was upset all the time. 

That seems easy, you know?  It's so easy to say "just change the way you think".  But it is literally all I did.  Much like when I gave up sugar, I just stopped eating it.  Sounds so easy, but the work behind it was much, much harder.  Both things would be easy to give into.  I love bread.  I love thinking about my daughter and what she would have been like and her hugs and her laugh.  It is work to "put them away".  It is work to decide make a choice on whether or not you want to let yourself have the bread, or the feelings.  And honestly, the work to put away the feelings has been much, much harder than giving up bread ever could be, but I wanted to give an example that you could all relate to. 

I don't love her any less, I just know that she would want me to really LIVE and that was really hard to do when I was crying myself into sickness all the time.  She would be proud that I can put the feelings away and that I have a little control over how deep I wanted to wade into the sadness when those feelings came up.  Like this morning.  I'm not sure what triggered it, but I was sitting there, and one thought lead to another and suddenly, I was thinking of how much it all completely and utterly SUCKS that this happened to her and to our family.  My youngest daughter was in the backseat and I said, "gosh, this feels like one of those days that I could cry all day."  I mean literally, in that moment, I was completely back to 11 years ago and feelings of complete despair.  I let myself have that moment and I thought to myself, "I can't do this to myself, it's taking nothing from Emerald's memory to choose a different outcome." She is still my daughter.  She is still loved.  She is still very much missed.  But instead of crying for a couple hours, I can go LIVE in her honor. 

This isn't to say that it's wrong to cry.  Sometimes, we have to.  Sometimes, especially at the start, you just don't have any control over it.  We have all had days where we are thinking of something else then suddenly a song plays on the radio and we can't shake the sad.  Most of us who have children die have this happen.  My grief hasn't ended.  It's just changed.  It's part of me.  Almost welcome now.  I can visit the feelings without letting it ruin my day, it's not making me sick.  It allows me to be more grateful for everything in my life.  For the people in it, no matter their role or where they were in the story. 

I just wanted you to know that it's OK if the sad doesn't control you.  Don't feel guilty when you get to this spot, it's a victory. You can see more of the big picture. It's living. <3

It Happens to Me, Too!!

I wanted to write a quick post to let you all know that stalls happen to me, too.  In fact, most of the time, I feel stalled.  I've just gotten to the point where I just let the process happen.  I eat my macros and I wait it out.  Sometimes, when I step on the scale (like yesterday) I'm 10 lbs heavier!  10!

Now, bear in mind that 10 lb increase over a month, is likely different than a 10 lb increase in 2 days.  Unless you are severely over-eating, it is IMPOSSIBLE to gain 10 pounds of fat over night.  What is likely is that it's water weight.  It's unlikely to gain any fat over night like that!!  So whether it's 2 lbs or 10 lbs.  Try not to worry, it happens to all of us!

Ok, now be impressed with my technological savvy.  Here is a pic of my graph for the past year with My Fitness Pal. I'm too lazy to take a screen shot and my husband is probably cringing right now, but it is what it is. This graph show that there were many weeks where I had no loss.  It doesn't show the first part of my weight loss because

it was not included in the graph.  I lost about a pound every day for the first 3 weeks.  I'd say it was a few every few days.  Now, that doesn't happen at all.  In fact, the weight loss seriously slowed after a few weeks.  Now it's around 5 pounds a month.  Or it was.  I'm not really worried about that at this point.  I just kind of know that it will keep decreasing and trust the process. 

I get messages about this all the time.  So I figured I'd take the time to address it.  In My Fitness Pal, I also only report the decreases.  Frequently, the scale goes up a few pounds.  Our bodies are constantly trying to keep themselves even and stable.  This is normal, it's called homostasis.  They want to hang on to the fat storage we have.  Water weight varies from day to day in most people by a few pounds.  This is completely normal.  There are many reason for this.  Injuries, dehydration, medications, foods we eat, sickness, menstrual cycle.  This can all play a role.  Try not to stress too much about it.  Just know that it happens to all of us.  Whether you are losing for first pound or your 77th pound.

I know for myself what caused my 10 pound gain.  I also know that it's something that won't be repeated and I can tell it's finally going back down!  I am hoping to lose a few more pounds so that's good news!  And while it bugs me, I am not going to let it worry me.  I'm going to keep eating what I know works for me and just trust the process.

Hang in there, friends!!

Year Eleven and the Return of the Grief Train

I think people forget.  They forget that I am broken inside.  They forget that I lost a child.  Not literally. I mean, they know.  They just get used to me being me the rest of the year.  The woman who tries to live life anyway. The woman who works to have positivity.  In the past this time of year has caused me great distress.  In the past 10 years I have become more at ease when it comes to the loss of my child.  It still hurts.  It will always hurt.  But it is as part of me as my hearing loss or the fact that I have two arms or that I have 5 kids.

So this time of year even when I don't see it happening at first, the darker side of me comes out.  Little things start to show up kind of subtly.  My sense of humor gets darker, my frustration level goes up as triggers for my daughter's death become more and more apparent.  Maybe you know people like this.  Maybe you are one of those people.  These are just coping mechanisms.  December... January... February... March... then finally I can breathe.  I've worked hard to identify and acknowledge and decide if I want to deal or not deal with a particular trigger.  To get to this spot was a lot of work.  In the past, this time of year was just a free-for-all of emotions.  This past year, I've felt that I've really grown as a person.  I can usually see what is happening and I try to make a choice on how and if I am going to let it affect me.  Sometimes, it still catches me off guard, but I try to back track through it, and see how I can find it faster the next time.  I know this probably seems foreign to some of you.  But crying every day for 4 months and just letting out that dark side of me without any thought to what anyone else thinks or how they are affected isn't an option. That scares people. Truthfully, it scares me, too. There is no freedom in feeling flooded with emotion. There is no safety in feeling crazy.

This year, even I forgot. Here it is almost diagnosis day and I've been filled with emotions. I couldn't put my finger on it. Other events have been going on and I thought it was just that. My friend Cary, lost her daughter to a brain tumor and it's a lot of PSTD feelings we go through, especially when it's someone "close" in our journey. I've work really hard not to cry. I've lost that battle several times. But certainly not as bad as it could have been.  I've had people come up to me and tell me "they are concerned" and now my friend posted that I've seemed negative lately.  Yeah, maybe a little.  Nothing like I've been in the past.  In the past, I'd be so stressed that I wouldn't be able to do anything but lie in bed and watch netflix or sleep or yell or eat.  Just knowing this day was coming.  The cycle was beginning.  Leading up to Emerald's birthday.  This year she will be gone longer than she was alive.  I can't even type that without tearing up.  But as another friend suggested, I don't have to allow those feelings to bounce around in my head just because they are there.  I can allow them in when I want them in and I can tell them to go away and come back later.  I do have control over that. The fact, that I didn't connect Sofie's death with the beginning of Emerald's journey this year is both kind of liberating for me as I work down the grief journey and at the same time (only other people who have been in this place will understand) I sort of feel guilty for forgetting about Emerald, like it wasn't important. To get off track a little, I don't think Emerald would mind.  She quite literally wanted me to be happy. She said so. So yay?  "Finally!" she is probably thinking.

This whole grief thing has been quite a journey.  It's not over.  It won't ever be over.  Be gentle with me.  Like I've learned to be with myself.  If I'm a bit impatient or seem frustrated and it doesn't seem like me, then realize that it IS actually me.  It's me coping with a pretty shitty event in my life.  And please know that I've come a really long way in finding happiness and trying to make sense of it all.  Because it's my life.  Oh and if I make a post that's kind of obnoxious and I'm trying to be funny... Well, that's just who I am.  <3

Couponing: Welcome to Your Hobby!

I started couponing a little over a year ago.  Although, there are months that go by that my husband accuses me of just stockpiling coupons, I try to go out weekly and get at least the easy deals.

Lots of people ask about how to get started or want to understand how it works.  There is a lot to go into it and it's a skill to develop just like anything else.  But even if I can save a small amount on my bill, I'm feeling good about that.

Couponing is literally trading pieces of paper instead of cash.  Lots of these little pieces of paper are free. In fact, technically they all are since they come free with the paper, although I buy just the paper to donate to the vet's office and I just use the coupons!!

I started off by just getting the local paper, I get 12 (2 per person in my household) and collecting coupons that way.  I have a file system where I take each insert and file it by date. I don't cut the coupons out.  I don't take them all with me.  This has good and bad things about it.  Good:  I don't waste my time cutting out crap I'm not going to have match ups for. And I can't make any unplanned purchases (If I want to save money)  I don't have a huge binder with me. Bad:  I don't have them with me when I come across clearance items. 

So, now I've got my coupons.  Every week I go to a coupon match up site for the store I want to buy my groceries.  I like Publix because they have the best deals, are the most coupon friendly and the stores are usually really nice to go into.  There are a few coupon match up sites on Facebook.  CIA coupon spy or the couponing couple, to name two.  The Couponing Couple has a lot of different stores to match from.  Dollar Stores, grocery stores, target.  I look at the blog to see the match ups for the week.  What these sites do, is take what the sale is, and post available manufacturer and store coupons.  And tell you where the coupon is located.  For instance:

Scott toilet paper is on sale this week from $10.49 to $7.49 at my store a for 12 roll pack.  The site also tells me that there is a $4.00 off coupon in the purple flier that is in the store.  And then lists every available manufacturer coupon that they know is available at the time of the blog post. Here is an example from the Couponing Couple's site.

Sometimes the manufacturer coupons are printable and sometimes they are found in the inserts from the news.  Sometimes, they are those blinking ones that pop out at you and sometimes they are peelies on the product themselves.  Those are kind of just a crap shoot to find.  With this toilet paper I ended up with 6 coupons, so I got 6 purple fliers and now I saved a "buttload" (HAHA) of money on TP.

I am going to add that sometimes there are also "thresh hold" coupons available.  This is a coupon put out by the store that is for a certain amount off a purchase of a certain amount.  For instance.  $5/40 purchase.  At Publix, you can use this if you reach $40 total, before any coupons.

Say I bought 6 of the TP at once. $7.49 x 6 = $44.94 before tax/coupons.  They would apply the $5 off $40 to this total.  Making my total before coupons/tax $39.94.  Next I would use (6) of the $4/off purple flier coupons. Making the total $15.94.  Then they apply the (6) 65 cent off printable coupons I have. Making my total before tax $12.04.  Which, if you have a big family like myself, that's a pretty sweet deal!

There are other deals that I've done in the past, for example, in Florida we have true BOGO.  Meaning we buy one and the second one is free.  Other states may do it differently by charging half price for each item.  In Florida this works out well for us if we have a coupon that is also BOGO.  The coupon, plus the sale allow you to get the product for free if it's non taxed and for the cost of tax if it's obviously a taxed item.  If you just have a dollar off coupon.  You would be able to use (2) one for the item that you are purchasing and one for the free item.  An example was the cat treats I bought last week.  They were $1.79 regular price on sale last week, BOGO.  So right off the bat, I saved $1.79.  I had (2) $1.00 off coupons from the paper.  They give me $2 off the $1.79.  That's right!  I made money to take them home.  I applied to the rest of my groceries, but some people put this on a Publix gift card. 

This is just a quick/simple explanation to get your started on your couponing adventure. I know it sounds tedious and maybe boring.  I mean, it's couponing, right? There is a pretty good rush you get when you walk out of the door with enough to feed your family and you only spent $20.  Because you cut out little piece of paper!  But it's actually a serious hobby and if you misuse coupons purposely there are legal ramifications for that. Not to mention some of these couponers are pretty cut throat!  You just don't know what's hiding behind their mom demeanor!  Let me know if you have any questions or you have anything to add! 

A Ketogenic Lifestyle

For probably the last month I've been particularly stressed. It started in a personal area of my life with a distant friend. Before I knew it, it was seeping into my every day life, I was crying more. The weather hasn't been sunny and happy. So when it was time for derby evals, which I find stressful anyway, I let all that affect me. Which is not an excuse for poor performance, but it is not helping me to keep my cool. (I must have been not very humble in my past life, because this life is lesson after lesson in correcting that!) I decided to write about something I've been successful at and that's my diet.

In the past, I'd let all this stress become an excuse to eat whatever I wanted.  I'd totally derail my diet or any healthy habit I was trying to have. Right now, I'm not sure what I want to do. Maybe I'd like to skate or work out or something that would help me achieve the goal I have my eyes on. But honestly, I'm stuck on how exactly to fix it. So I guess I'll write and hopefully that will help.

This time last year, I had just gone back to skating after being off for 6 months from a derby injury and I was skating, and eating healthy (limiting calories and healthy grains, low fat) but I was gaining weight at an alarming rate. I was desperate to find something, so I started looking into gastric bypass surgery. I have a couple friends who were successful with this and I was thinking, "I've tried everything!". Well, my insurance doesn't cover it, so that didn't get off the ground very fast. I had a brilliant idea after watching My 600lb Life, I could attempt to eat what they were eating post surgery, they lost weight not from the surgery, but from what they were and weren't eating. Also the Doctor on the show seemed to push higher protein and lower carbohydrates in general. I looked up a "post-surgery sample diet" on bariatric doctor's website and followed that for a few days and was surprised to find that my cravings were diminished.

At the same time, I belonged to a group on Facebook. This group was all about eating a Low Carbohydrate, High Fat diet. I was just part of the group, lurking, at first. The ideas they were throwing around went against everything I ever considered in diet advice. If I was hanging onto 40%+ in body fat, then how exactly could I lose weight by eating 70% of my diet in fat? All conventional medicine has told us the exact opposite. My mother changed us to skim milk back when I was a kid. WIC taught me to give my kids skim milk, to reduce fat, after they were two years old. So I watched their posts and I was surprised by what I read. Not only were these people controlling their Type 2 Diabetes, lowering cholesterol and triglycerides, they were losing weight, they were having less inflammation, they weren't craving sugar. They were eating until they were full. To be honest, after a few days on a diet meant to accommodate a smaller amount of food from a decreased stomach size, I was ready to expand... figuratively. So I started off by just looking for low carb choices that were higher in fat. If I was hungry, I ate fat. After about 2 weeks, I stopped even being hungry. Especially since much of the time, I wasn't really hungry anyway. It was stress eating, combined with a blood glucose level that was slightly elevated from continuing to feed my cravings and stress with sugar. When you are constantly eating lots of carbs your blood glucose gets used to being a little on the high side, even if your insulin is working like it should. Your body starts wanting it to be higher. Then your insulin gets higher. Your body likes this, because it signals that there is a surplus and it's cashing in! It works harder to get you to eat more sugar (carbs). If only I could get my brain to think of money the same way! This way of eating is a way to get you to start "spending your fat" instead of saving it for retirement or a rainy day!

During the first week doing this, I lost 8 lbs. Yes, it was probably water. But 8 lbs of water that I don't really need. I could instantly feel a difference in my joints. I had just had surgery in my left knee just the August prior. I had been waking up daily with swollen, hurting fingers. I felt old. That day, with that water loss, no one else could see it, but I knew something was different. It made me keep going. After that, nearly every day for the next 2 weeks, I lost another pound (this doesn't happen for everyone, but I was 235 lbs and close to 50% bodyfat) I had lost 21 lbs by the 21st day of this diet. Then things started to slow down. 

I could see that I could do it. I started researching this diet more, I read The Art and Science of Low Carbohydrate Living. I read everything I could about it on Lyle McDonald's site. I joined a couple of other Facebook groups namely, ketogenic dieters and ketogains and I just took it all in. I started taking pictures of myself, and thought, "I'm never, ever sharing those!" (Ha!) and was able to see a change in myself. I continued to lose weight at a rate of about 5 lbs a month. 

It's actually easier to pick up on stress when you eat this way, because when I'm not stressed, the hunger signals are different. My body will alert me that I'm hungry, but I can easily put it off. When I am feeling stressed, I wander around trying to find something to ease my stress and try eating to ease that feeling. At first I really had to listen to my body, but now, I just know, if I feel like I need to pace and I'm opening the fridge, it's usually not hunger.

I started following the macros on the Ketogenic Dieter's page probably in May. A ketogenic diet is based off a percentage of fats (usually about 70%) and keeping carbs super low, but usually AT LEAST as low as 50 grams per day.  You'll find most people keep them around 20 grams. The KD group has their own macros that they use. Instead of eating 70% fat, they take into consideration that you have fat on your body that you are trying to use up instead of store. So my macros are more like 55% fat, 5% carbs and the rest protein. I aim for 120 grams a protein a day. My muscle mass has definitely gone up since I started this. This is common for people who are following the macros the way I do. I try to keep my carbs at 20 grams NET (this is total carbs listed - fiber count - erythritol, if it's an ingredient).

I know when I first started on this diet, I had some concerned friends who pointed out that your brain needs 50 grams of glucose a day. Which is totally true. What is also true that your body can make all glucose that it needs, whenever it is needed. Since I eat adequate protein, I've had no issues with muscle loss or anything of the sort, like I said, my muscle mass is increasing and I can feel muscle definition that I didn't have previously. 

To date, I've lost 77#. My asthma has been drastically decreased. My joints no longer feel like I'm 100 and I can get up off the floor like I don't have a small child on my back. I no longer feel like I need to eat when stressed out, which is allowing me to find different, healthier coping mechanisms for dealing with stress. All those things are huge.  It didn't happen overnight.  There were times when I went several weeks with no loss what-so-ever. But I don't worry about it much. I just keep eating what I eat and over time, the scale moves in the right direction. I should add that at some point in this process that my thyroid wasn't working correctly either, but that's a whole blog post for another day. I lost about 30+ before that was figured out. I hope this answered some questions and I hope you all have a great day! 

One Year

I've started off 2016 74# pounds lighter than when I started 2015.  It's pretty cool.  I can't even begin to explain the benefits I've found from losing weight and changing my way of eating (diet).  The benefits range from the need for my asthma inhaler a lot less to an increase in self-esteem.

When I started off last year, I decided to make a change, not just in my diet, but in my thinking.  I decided to celebrate every pound I lost by posting publicly on Facebook.  I did this because, I thought it would help me stay on track.  I would be publicly holding myself accountable. That worked.  I didn't realize that so many of my friends and family (and even their friends and family!) would be watching.  I was prepared for some backlash and eye-rolling.  But you know what happened? No the backlash and eye-rolling!  I became an inspiration to myself.  Which in turn has inspired other people.  My Facebook posts may revolve around eating and losing weight (along with kids, derby, politics and things that amuse me!) but there is now a lack of the self-depreciating posts that I used to have, I didn't have a lot, but I had a lot more than I deserved. Humans mostly learn the best if they feel safe and loved.  For some reason our culture as a whole seems to teach us that we don't deserve to feel safe and loved from ourselves.  We apologize for being ourselves! Let me tell you, you're awesome and deserve to be your own biggest cheerleader!!  So if you are trying to learn a new derby skill or you are trying to start a new way of eating, you should be gentle with yourself. Expect that you are going to make mistakes. Expect that you will eventually figure it out. If you need help, don't be too proud to ask for it. Give yourself props for just trying. Each time you do this, your are reinforcing the positive part of learning.

I get posts in my inbox now, asking me how to get started, if a recipe will fit into macros and the best ones...thanking me for posting my progress and how they have seen a difference in themselves and how me publicly posting about my change of lifestyle has made a difference to them. 

On those days when I have on "fat goggles", those types of things inspire me back.  When someone posts that they lost 1 lb, I feel over the moon for them.  Because, I know first hand the struggle sometimes to lose just one stinking pound.  I know the tears and the depression I felt when I was doing everything that I had been taught in nutrition classes and it didn't help AND I WAS STARVING. 

I'm so happy that I decided to share my journey. I'm not sure if I would have been as successful had I not, if I would have continued to fear publicly failing (which is code for publicly learning). Thanks for being there for me! 

 

ASS U ME

I realized the other day what a jerk I have been.

I assume that all the negative, horrible people I have ever met in my life are the people I am meeting that day, in just different bodies.  From the start, I assume the worst.  I am not going to put on some rose-colored glasses and say that everyone loves me or finds me amazing, because I am an optimist that doesn't eliminate all the negative choices, I just generally chose to play up the positive ones.  I see the negative and I know it's there.

But it isn't safe to assume that everyone feels the same way that a few shitty people I have met in my life, feel.  In fact, if people knew I was thinking that, why would they give me a chance at all?

When I see someone who is new skating, I don't assume they suck.  I just assume they need to work on things.  Or maybe that is the best of their ability today.  Kudos for them just getting their asses off the couch, it's hard to put yourself out there.  Why wouldn't I think that most people are more like me?  So when I need help with my skating skills, and people help me, instead of me feeling like I am being called out for being a shitty skater, I should know that they may just see potential or how I could do things better.  The same way that I would do for anyone else.

When I assume that people don't like me, I start acting as if people don't like me.  I appear closed off.  I put up a wall. And it's a pretty good fricking wall.  If there is one thing I do really freaking-all-balls-out-amazing, it's put up a wall.  No one wants to be hurt.  I am no stranger to that feeling.  But I have been through the worst of shit and I have come out on top, where the air is fresh and life is beautiful.

Every time I realize I am doing it, I try to address it.  And every time I do that, I get a little better at taking the wall down for longer.

"let feel one more time, what it feels like to feel and break these calluses off of me, one more time... "  Someday, I will get it.

In the meantime, don't make assumptions about people.  I got something in my email from "the universe".  Telling me to treat everyone as if they are as brilliant as I am.  Because quite honestly, in some way, they are.  We all are. 

Be shiny!

XOXO
Anja

We See You.

I moved to Florida, if you didn't know.  I love it here.  Traffic is crazy, but everything else is amazing.   I have never moved more than an hour away from my family.  Thank goodness for social media.  You are never alone with FB.  :p

I started with a new derby league, Tampa Bay Derby Darlins.  They are an amazing, talented group of women, who I am learning a lot from.  Last night was my third practice with them.  As we pulled into the parking lot, I said again, to my husband, "I hate being late, getting here when it starts is still late, everyone else is on the floor, I don't want to draw attention to myself".   I hate that.  I have not gone to college classes, because I hate walking in late.  That didn't do me or my grades any good, and the same holds true for derby.  So I suck it up and go in anyway.

During practice (and other practices I have attended in my derby career) a skill would be introduced and then we would line up and do it.  Some stuff I could do fairly well.  Other things not so great.   When it is your turn to do stuff, like many people, I feel as if I am on display and everyone is being hypercritical of what I am doing.  Maybe a few are.  But most.  Like me, when I watch another skater, are trying to watch how the good ones do it, so I can try what they are doing and do it right!  OR we see someone else do it like we do it, and feel relieved and willing to try.  Either way, we learn from watching the other skaters.  Most of the time, I am not watching even who the skater was.  I mostly, just notice their feet and how they hold their body, or move.  (For some reason, a picture pops into my mind about a shirt that says, "Quit talking to my boobs"  HAHA)

At the end of practice, (Great practice, by the way, I love working skills and agility like we did.) a group of skaters were talking about paying dues and ins.  She looked at me, and said, "Don't worry, we see you.  You're trying."  Taken in context this means nothing really, except that I need to pay my dues, and I won't get charged the late fee.  I went home and didn't think anything of it.  I went to bed.

This morning, I had a terrible nightmare.  About my ex husband.  I can't remember ever having such a vivid dream.  It was like a movie.  It ended with me shooting him.  The whole dream, I was terrified that he was going to kill me, which was his goal in the dream, and I was scared that no one would remember me, and I won't be there for my kids and that I was just going to disappear. I didn't want to disappear.

I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPEAR.

Regardless of my attempts to blend in.  To not be noticed...  Wouldn't it be worse if I succeeded?

Those little words, "We see you.  You are trying."

Thank goodness.

Acceptance.

Ugh.  You know.  My life hasn't been a fairytale. I was lucky enough to have a family.  I have sisters, I have brothers, I still have both my parents.  We had enough.  There was something lacking though.

My mom grew up in a household with more than twice as many kids.  She was the second oldest.  Perhaps this post will cause controversy, but for me, it is a post of coming to terms with how someone's upbringing can affect generations after.  It's how I see it and how it has affected me.  Perhaps not the whole story.  How could it be?  Past generations.. didn't talk about stuff as openly as we do now.

Anyway,  a lot of responsibility was placed on my mom's shoulders at a young age.  She had to help with raising the family (All the older kids did, I suppose).  I know from having a larger family that even if you have the tools to do that... it's rough.  I can't imagine being a teenager.  I was discussing this with a friend the other day... and she pointed out... "that's the age when you are mean".  She is right.  My mom used whatever tools she had in her arsenal at the time to help raise her siblings... and when she moved out and had a family... she used those same tools, even if they didn't work the best, to raise us.  It's what she knew.  She harbored feelings towards me that are confusing to me as an adult.... and as a child, ugh.  If the conflict for certain behaviors in myself now, is any indication of the child I was... I can say, I was headstrong.  I was argumentative.  I was challenging.  But I was also smart.  I was beautiful.  And I have always the strength of a survivor.  I am sure she saw it.  She was just broken.  I know this... because I am also broken. 

She longed for a relationship with her mom that she could never have.  My grandma just didn't treat my mom the way my mom needed.  I don't know why.  We weren't close to that grandma.  I do know that there was years my mom would work and make presents for my grandma...and my grandma just didn't appreciate the efforts.  She would think of my mom last.  One year, my mom just really wanted this angel ornament that my grandma (appeared) to make everyone else.  I was like 13.  I remember it because my mom came home crying.  She just wanted to be loved and appreciated.  I remember thinking, I wish I could hug her and give her what she needed.  But I couldn't fill that spot for her.  That longing for that relationship.  That was my mom's loss.  When I was 23, my grandma died, and maybe since my mom has come to terms with that.  I'm not sure.

I do know, that this type of stuff is what shapes you as an adult.  How to be mom.  How to be a friend.  How to be a grandparent. How to be a partner to a spouse.  If you don't get the tools from your parents... you get them from other places... or make them up.

I know my mom loves me.  But I longed for that same relationship with my mom, that my mom wanted from her mom.  I don't hope for it to happen anymore... that closeness.  But it has made me very frustrated when working on my relationship with my kids.

Loss just isn't having a person die.  Sometimes, it is loss of a dream.  Or a relationship.  Grief works the same way.  And at some point you realize... it is what it is.  And you can either accept it and move past it... or you can continue to live your life there.  It doesn't mean that some days, your heart doesn't go there... it just means that more often than not, you see the gifts.  The things you do have.  The people that love you.  You have that.

Maybe this post makes no sense.  It's just my stuff in my head that holds me back.  That keeps me from being the mom I want.  The friend I want.  The person I want.  It's not an excuse.  It's the voice in my head, the hesitation to give it all.  Every time I get up and do what I want or need to anyway... I win.

XOXO
Anja

Athlete? Why yes, I think so.

A five years ago, decided to try out for the Detroit Derby Girls.  They were the only place I knew of that had derby in the area.  I got skates for Christmas that year, but I had just had a baby, so I waited to try out.  The next year  I bought all the equipment, I got what I wanted, because I KNEW I wanted to do this.  I was terribly out of shape, so I started going to open skates when I had time.   We had to go to this Derby U class that was held just days before tryouts.  I am not a small girl now.  I am not exactly young either.  But whatever, I went.  I had no clue that I was going to have to do "rock stars" and "180 turns" and whatever else they taught us that weekend.  But I do know this.  My quadriceps hated me by the day we had tryouts.  The day came. I showed up.  I gave everything I had, despite the fact that I could barely walk, two days after learning all these new things.  And I didn't make it.  Barely. 

I was upset that I didn't to start right then, but I didn't let that hold me back from working even harder to make up where I fell short for the next try out period.  Until...

My 2 year old was learning to ride a tricycle in our yard and I have 4 kids and at the time a home daycare.  I had this brilliant idea to practice crossovers in the driveway while the kids played outside.  My kid innocently drove right into my path.  I could see it coming.  I tried to decide if I should just hit the garage door or attempt to go around her.  I went for the later.  Unfortunately, her tricycle was the kind that had a handle on it, and when I skirted around her, it got caught on my pants, so I lifted it up.  She started to fall, so I put it back down, and promptly wiped out.  There was SO much ruckus with the kids running to help and Eliza crying that I didn't hear or feel anything much... and my only thought was "if I was playing in a game, I wouldn't be getting up."  There I lay on the pavement, surrounded by children, face down.  My [now husband] came running out and undid my gear, and I went into the house and got some ice.  Eliza, was OK, but screaming her head off that "mommy hurt me" with her dime sized abrasion to her knee.  Three hours later, I could tell something was wrong. I researched and I thought maybe it was my ACL. My knee was swelling up, pretty big, and it hurt to move in certain directions, but I could still walk on it.  I had free tickets to see Peter Murphy that night and decided not to go, since I didn't think I would be able to walk much.  This was a huge bummer.

I ignored my injury and even went skating a few times.  I started nursing school and my knee was STILL swollen, but seemed to be shrinking over time.  One day I stepped onto a 2 inch curb and I could feel the inside of my knee slip and I almost fell on my ass.  I decided to go to a sports medicine doctor.  Who called 2 hours after my MRI to ask if I was OK and refer me to another guy for surgery to repair my torn ACL.  2 days later, I had surgery.

Sept 2009

My doctor was the best. Both the regular sports doctor and the surgeon.  They didn't see just an out-of-shape nearly 40 year old.  They saw someone who had a spark, and when my doctor stated, "athletes like you, who have other responsibilities, like kids and jobs, need to have a strong repair".  I was taken back.  I thought, "ME?  An athlete?"  I could feel my face turn red.  He wanted to get me back to try out again, soon.  Skating within a few short months.  I think it was the first time, ever, anyone took my effort totally seriously and it made all the difference in my recovery and subsequent return to skating.

Fast forward, to today.  4 years later!  I never tried out again for DDG, I went with another league, but after a torn ACL,  broken patella,  broken tailbone and shin stress fractures, issues with high arches and 40 lbs lighter, I am actually playing. The more I play, the more serious I get about the sport.  The more serious I get about getting myself healthy.  Being an athlete is more than just being in great shape and at the top of your game.  It's a spark.  It's sheer will. It's working to your highest potential every day.  Not one great athlete was a star overnight.  They all started somewhere and this is where I began.  Have a great day!!

XOXO
Anja

Lucky Me.

So one day, a couple months ago, I came home from work and I said to my husband (not sure if he was even my husband at the time,) and said, "I think I am going to give up on the idea of going back to school, and focus on increasing my skills in derby instead".

Now for the average person that might sound ludicrous.  Some days it is even that way for me, and it's my idea.  The best part of this is that regardless of whether he was my husband or not... he didn't try to talk me out of it.  In fact, he just simply asked me more about the idea, and how I planned to achieve what I wanted.  And has been nothing but supportive of my every move.  Which is amazing.  I am so grateful.

I was listening to an MP3 about goal setting (Bonnie.D, of course) and she was talking about how it is hard to have a brand new idea and share it with someone.  More often than not, people don't know what to do with a brand new idea.  Many people would just say that my idea was crazy and irresponsible.  But it isn't like I am going to quit my job now, and pursue derby and leave the financial shit to him.  I mean we have 4 kids.  HAHA.

Anyway, This post is just about how happy and grateful I am to have such a fantastic guy to share my dreams and ideas with.  This next year I need to work on being the one he can also bounce off ideas.  Part of my change of focus is self-reflection in the areas that hold me back, from being the person I want to be and this is one area. Admission is the first step... He is a great role model, and I hope I can be as responsible with a brand new idea as he is.  I am one lucky girl.   Have a great night!!

Changing My Thought Process in the Game

Recently, I was sitting on the bench, waiting for the next jam, and I got this panicked feeling.  In my head, I was thinking to myself, "I should sit this one out, I will never measure up to the awesome girls I am skating with.  I shouldn't even be on the same track as them".   The second the thoughts popped up, I was like, "What the hell is wrong with me?"  And I have to wonder, where does that shit come from?  It's probably a lot of habit.  It's probably some influence from other sources, my childhood, or bad experiences with peers, etc.  But it is totally up to me to stop that type of thinking.

A few days later at practice, I was telling another skater, how I beat myself up each time the jammer goes by me in a game.  As I am saying it aloud and thinking how silly it is, I also start to point out other things... like the fact that the jammer goes by nearly everyone on the track.  It's the nature of the game.  Sometimes the jammer is just awesome.  Sometimes, your effort or sight is focused elsewhere.      But it seems silly to blame myself, since there are 3 other blockers on the track.  They are all just as responsible as I am.  We are working together as a team.  Or we should be!  I can't possibly be solely responsible for the jammer each time she makes it around the track.  

Then shortly after that, I was waiting my turn for a drill.  My turn to play the jammer.  I am up against 3 opposing blockers.  Great!  I skate up to the wall.  I bust through them.  And then attempt to skate as hard as I can to get 20 feet out.  Now, I am not great at part of this.  I am pretty good at busting up a wall, and getting in front, but I am not so good at maintaining speed or picking up speed when being chased!  

I kicked my imaginary puppy (named, ES, for self-esteem. I know, it's backwards) all the way home.  ES took quite the beating.  Later that night I logged into my online account and started reading a blog post from Active Happiness.  The 3rd point they made was  you don't have to be good at everything.  You don't have to spend all your time focused on getting better at what you can't do.  Totally right, and perfectly timed. It is sometimes more helpful to focus on your strengths, to MINIMIZE your weaknesses.  

So if I reframe my practice, I can say that I went in and I busted up that wall, and I got out in front.  Those are all GREAT things!  In fact, my job as a blocker NEEDS those things.  It would be helpful to burst into the front and into the opposing jammer if necessary, but right now, I can focus on that I can get through them, and bust them up.  And the more efficiently I can do it, the better I can help my own jammer get through!  This doesn't mean that I don't give my all when preforming the drill.   I will continue to try to race away from the opposing team, and get 20 feet out.  Hell, sometimes I even make it.  I am happy that I have teammates that provide a challenge and allow us to work on developing those skills.   But I am pretty happy with what I can do.  Yay me!  

ES prefers me to feel good about myself, and what I can do.  My friends prefer that side of me, too.  And it is the best example to give the kids.  So I continue that challenge.  Maybe someday it won't be much of challenge.  But right now, it is an every day thing.  I am happy that I am providing myself with resources to work on ES.  I deserve it.  And so do you.  Have a great day!! 

XOXO,

Anja

Attitude is catching... spread a good one

Sunday, I was telling a few people about a life-changing moment that happened to me, during a game about 7 months ago.  I wanted to share this. The place isn't important.  But when you come across one person who is there to say the right thing, at the right time, it may make all the difference in their outlook and spark changes that cause them to live a happier life and spread happiness, too.  Like me.  Thank you, Jennifer, for being that person to me.

I have played in quite a few games since I started playing roller derby a few years ago.  Nearly always, it was the same people.  The same coaches, the same venue, everything the same.  Including my attitude.  I would totally lose my shit at the start of each game. I wasn't a huge fan of crowds, and I would question why I was still playing, if derby was for me,  and wonder "was I too old?"... and "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?".  I would threaten to leave, or throw up.. or pee myself.  I was a hot mess.  In one particular game we had a bench coach.  Usually we had one of the girls who was usually captain coaching us, but that was different too, she wasn't there.  I had a pulled groin.  I was anxious because the bench coach was someone I really respected in the derby community and I just wanted to be a good representation of my league.

The game started, and for the first time since I ever started playing with this group, there was a different energy, maybe it was just me... but I certainly felt it, and my team seemed like they were doing really playing to a potential, I hadn't seem them play before.  The bench coach had a level head and when the girls got off the track there was only feel good talk, and what we could try the next jam to keep the other team at bay and attempt to score more points.  After one particular jam, I got off the track and the bench coach happily yelled at ME, "Good Job!!!"  And hugged me.  I blurted out, "Thank you for not saying I sucked."  The look on her face, was as if I slapped her.  "You DON'T suck.", she said.  I happily skated away, and tried not to cry. 

The team played like a unit that day.  We didn't win.  But I honestly can say that it was the first game that I felt like we did.

I was listening to a Bonnie D. Stroir MP3 (http://shop.bonniedstroir.com/MP3-Downloads_c3.htm) about zen roller derby and I realized that this was what that was.  It was US playing to our fullest potential that day.  There was nothing like it.  We did ultimately win.  Because as Bonnie said, it didn't matter what the score was.  Playing to your fullest potential is winning.

After that day, I played in a couple more games with this same team and as it went on my attitude there got better.  I realize that sometimes there is someone there on the team that seems to bring out the not-so-great side of people.  And for me, this person was always there.  I started seriously considering playing elsewhere.  If, for one game, you could pull one person from the team, and replace them with someone who had a great attitude, who empowered you instead of making you feel like you couldn't do anything right... then why not find a team that had that vibe?  So you could all always reach your full potential.  I realized that I wanted that.  Eventually, I took a short break, and decided not to go back to my old league.  I found another league.  They may not be perfect, but they are definitely motivating and the coaching is inspired and done with heart.  They help me, bring out the best in me!  I feel like I am on my way to reaching my full potential.  I am inspired to even work harder to reach the next goal.  This has caused a push into my entire life, of positive energy, and I just want to share it with everyone!

I used to say this about my ex husband, but it applies here.  If you aren't with people that make you happy 95% of the time, then you need to find new people.  Sometimes, it's your attitude, but sometimes it isn't. While I was still at my old league I started making changes.  I had decided after that day to try to be happier and try new things.  Instead of letting the gossip and BS get to me.  I had a meeting with the person, and you know what?  It didn't make a difference because that person wasn't in the same place as me. I was disappointed. But that was OK.  I didn't need their validation in knowing I was right and doing the right thing.  I really just wanted to work together to fix the situation and if they didn't feel the same, what could I do, besides change where I was? I was nervous about making a change, but I wanted bigger changes... and sometimes stuff is scary.  If you don't take a risk, then you never will see the results you want.

So, check your SELF. - are you the problem?  Is there something you can change with your attitude that will make you happier?  That will make the people around you live up to their fullest potential?  If you do that, and you find that you still aren't getting what you need, LOOK AROUND YOU.  Is there one person who just seems to suck the life out of you?  You find yourself tuning them out, or worse, catch their negative attitude when you are around them?   BOTH of these things are important when considering where the problem is coming from.  But you only have control over one thing.  You, and how you respond to a situation. 

You can change your attitude and then if that isn't enough, switch the people around you.  It might make all the difference.  Remember... Attitude is catching....spread a good one! 

XOXO
Anja

Was that a challenge?

So I have been thinking about something a lot lately.  I have been putting forth a huge effort to try and stay positive, and move toward my full potential.  I was just reading an article about how surrounding yourself with people that have more will  power than you is catching... just like a bad attitude.  Good attitudes are catchy.  I also read that they found that obesity is somewhat like an attitude you can catch, too!  But I digress... 

While I love the results I am getting, a small part of me always feels this need to address this annoyance that seems to want to seep into my life.  I couldn't figure out what the problem was.  I feel like if someone does something against me or someone I love that my natural instinct is to jump right in and fight.  But after doing this a million times (maybe more!) I realize that no one wins when that happens.  I was certainly not backing down to the challenge and neither were they.  Then I realized something else.  It isn't a challenge.  A challenge to me isn't someone just doing some sneaky underhanded thing, in an attempt to "ruin my fun".  That's just an annoyance. 

That is something that I do on the track.  If one person seems to be keeping our jammer back, I will just try to stay on them and keep them busy.  I am being an annoyance.  I am keeping them from their full potential at keeping our jammer back, or I hope I am.  In life, though, that just doesn't seem to make sense.  If I spend my time, trying to find fault with other people, or looking for some reason to "get them into trouble" over the most inane rules, then I'm not just keeping them from fulfilling their full potential, I am keeping MYSELF from reaching MY full potential.  Because that is an awful lot of energy wasted on people that don't really affect me.  Imagine what I could do with that energy?  Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't bring to light obvious issues or issues where someone is going to get hurt.  But if in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't affect you, nor does it benefit you, then why on earth would you continue to do it?  Imagine all the wonderful stuff you could do with all that positive energy!!!

So for me, looking at all this, I realize...any time this happens isn't necessarily "a challenge", although, it absolutely is challenging for me by putting road blocks in the way for both of us. Like the awesome players I play against, they know how to shake that off and keep their task of getting their jammer through.  And whenever this happens in the future I know as long as I keep moving forward, keep my goals in mind and keep my feet moving... I am going to come out of this just fine.  I don't even ever have to do anything other than just mind my business and watch for the next thing in my life to celebrate. 

XOXO

We all need to feel loved, appreciated and ACCEPTED!

I have some amazing co-workers, I really do.  The other night I was working with someone I don't know real well.  She is super sweet.  She has lots of experience. She seems overwhelmed at times but don't we all?  No matter how much I try to help, I feel like it isn't enough.  I was having issues feeling like I wasn't helping enough, and it was causing me some guilt.   She does get the job done and she is super detailed oriented and caring.   But it does cause me stress to work with her.  I just don't know what to do!   Another co-worker came in and I said, "I just don't' know how to help".  Her advice was, "you can't help her, just let her do her thing." I was totally taken aback by that, because she is totally right.  Actually, it is helping her by "letting her do her thing."  What she needs probably isn't physical help, although sometimes we all do.  What she needs is acceptance of "This is how I do it!", it may not be the *best* way to go about the job, but that isn't my call.  My job as her co-worker is just to help give her the support she needs to live up to her full potential!

It was like an epiphany!  It isn't that people only need to feel loved and appreciated.  They need to be accepted for where they are, and who they are.  I can totally apply this to my life, my family and to roller derby.  There are some skaters that just aren't "there".  They are doing the best they can with the skills they have.  Mental and physical skills.  You can see the potential, they just have to get to the point where they are willing to step outside of their current way of thinking and decide they are going to do it another way.  That's totally ok.

Tonight we scrimmaged with another league and I had a good time.  I also see that I am in a different place when it comes to what my body and brain do when I am on the track.  It isn't bad for anyone.  I think I just need more practice, practicing with this group of girls.  But it was awesome watching what they can do!  It is important to also accept myself for where I am and I am happy to have the opportunity to play with such a spirited group!  I really worked on trying to keep my positive attitude going, I am really the type to think, "oh, I played like shit, I am not hitting as much as I want", but you know what?  I did do a good job with positional blocking.  And I left with my positive attitude in check.  not one time did I say, "I want to leave."  I did say to myself, "what was I thinking coming here?"  Instead of my usual continuing to beat myself up for being so stupid to get into this position, I kept saying all the things I wanted to gain from scrimmaging tonight.  It seemed like a much better plan and it really helped me!

We all want to feel loved.  We all need to be appreciated.  And we all need to feel accepted by those who are close to us.  If you have some crazy ass way of dealing, and it works for you, then GREAT!  If there is something I can do to make it better, then let me know, I am totally willing to help.  If I can do something better, please tell me.  I can't promise to do exactly that, but I can promise that I care enough to not be doing something that you might find to be jerky or rude.

Well, enough about all this... until next time!

XOXO,
Anja

Sister You Know My Heart's Been Broken...

My daughter died 7 years ago.  7 long years.  She has now been dead as long as I had her as an only.  I joined derby because it was an awesome way for me to get my feelings out.  Meet people.  Not feel so alone. It worked for a time.

Emerald was a huge (obviously) part of my life.  Huge.  I will always talk about her.  I thought that it was always safe to talk about her, but after a while I found out that I was wrong.  I found out from some other friends last year that apparently, someone thought I talked about her "too much".  Or that I did it for the attention.  Attention?  My kid died.  Imagine losing your kid.  If you haven't had this happen, the thoughts are something you push away, because you can't imagine it happening to you.   I was there once.  And now I am here.  Here amongst the other parents that have lost their most precious people.  It sucks.  And it's lonely.  And now the only thing I have are the memories of my little girl.  To have anyone say such horrible things to anyone about me (or anyone)  is shameful and horrible.  My heart is BROKEN.  It won't be fixed by another child, or time.  I live with it broken.  I move forward with my life.  It's hard.  It's harder than a divorce where you have to share custody of your kids.  It is.  It isn't the same at all.  That might be your biggest lost and it is no doubt a hard adjustment.  But imagine adjusting to going 7 fucking years without your child... and longer.  Your lifetime.

It's almost like people can be jealous of the attention I get because my kid died.  Trust me.  You can have the fucking attention.  We can trade places, I can have my kid back and you can have the attention you crave so badly.  Actually, I don't even wish that on you.  Because I am a human.  Who is compassionate and understands loss.

All I ever wanted was a friend.  I deserve the friends I have and I have worked for all my accomplishments.  So kiss off.  XOXO

Taking on Uneccessary Crap.

So lately, I have been giving a few things some thought.  I noticed that while I long to have lots of people like me and want to spend time with me, or even just how I feel like I want to be included, I watch people in the inner circles of things and realize that they don't look happy there.  I know when I was in the circle, I wasn't either.  I am much happier where I am now.

Two months ago, we attended the Bonnie D. Stroir Clinic with A2D2 and while she had a lot to share on the track, she had a lot to say, too.  One of the things she talked about was not watching the jams you aren't in during a game.  This is what I always did, until one day, I didn't and started watching.  She suggested that not watching helps you keep your energy, so you aren't sucked into it, by another player"s bad jam.  Basically, you go to your zen place while on the bench. (Not if you are in the box, then you need to pay attention) and when your teammates get off the floor, you tell them they did a good job, regardless of the outcome.  I really liked this idea, and could see the benefit, I have been sharing it with everyone I played with since.

Today, I read an article in Scrubs Magazine. The article is called, "Are You Out of Control?"  By Elizabeth Farrell.  Interestingly, the article mentions something about this.  Say your kid gets a shot.  You FEEL the shot yourself.  That is "empathy pain" that we all have experienced at one time or another.  She said that it's "mirror neurons registering the pain".  To extend all this further, you can look at drama or gossip that you have had to deal with, and realize that it also "sucks the life out of you".  I think it is much the same thing.  I know that if I have to deal with a friend that tends to draw that kind of "excitement" I feel at times as if I am emotionally going through it too.  It is physically and mentally draining.  There are a couple of things you can do about this.  Like in the game, you need to mentally zone out, get out of there and literally think happy thoughts.  I think we would all benefit if we could just learn to meditate every day, when it is quiet and then when things are crazy, you will have a better grasp on finding that peace for a few minutes.

I know that this is what helps me, especially the last year.  Of course, identifying those toxic personalities helps, because you can prepare to not let it get to you.  You don't have to get rid of them as friends, and sometimes with teammates or co-workers you don't have a choice.  But you have control over how you react to the situation.

Hugs and Bruises. :) 

Use the Good China

I got married on Friday.  A "simple" backyard wedding.  HA!  Simple my ass. But, it didn't rain, it was hot, but not 100 degrees and it was nearly perfect, or so everyone thought.  We forgot to put out our thumbprint tree that Bud spent hours hand drawing so people could put their thumbprints on and I was planning on framing it.  Still trying to figure out how to drive around and have everyone leave their mark on it.  LOL 

We were surrounded by family and friends and I was bound to my best friend.  I guess you can't get more perfect than that. 

While shopping for this wedding, one detail we had was to buy china from thrift stores and use that as our plates (instead of paper).  It worked out really nice.  But finding all this stuff had me realizing that the good china I found for a song... the same stuff you get in your weddings, people spend hundreds on these place settings, and NEVER use it.  EVER.  Someone somewhere, maybe your grandmother, got this stuff and then left it in the china cabinet.  While I am happy to pick it up unused at a great price, I can look at it and feel like, "this is beautiful, I want to show it off somewhere" and of course, I don't want it to get broken!  I also look at the used stuff with lots of wear and think, "someone loved this."  It's still beautiful with all the wear. 

I feel as if it is like life.  A lot of people are afraid to take chances.  Afraid to love and get hurt, afraid to get involved with derby, afraid of failing at anything they really want to try.   They spend their days wishing it would all fall together, that some day something wonderful will happen and they will feel "right"... or like with the china, a special excuse to use it. 

So use the good china.  Use the good towels.  Use all your gifts.  Take chances.  You are worth a lot.  Don't spend your life up in a china cabinet or end up getting sold at the Salvation Army unused. 

New Day. Starting Over.

Why is it when you are driving in the car, at least me... that I start to think of all the things that I want to write down?  I don't have a computer around me when I feel the urge to write, in fact, later on (like now) I have to make myself try to get it out.

I am often surprised, like many of us, about how people look at me.  What they think about me.  Some good, some bad.  I mean, I do believe that there is "a little truth to everything", usually.  So I can't say that what they think is false.  Let's take this example:

During a discussion with a co-worker, she was surprised to find out how deep my self-esteem problems went.  Here is the gist of the conversation.

Me:  Do you ever feel like no one will like you when you walk into a room.

Her:  [Enter horrified look]  No, actually, I never think that.

Me:  Oh.

Her:  I am surprised that you feel that way, since, you really come off like you don't care what people think.

Now, I get this is a plus.  I look like I am confident most times, like I am not interested if you have something shitty to say about me.  Well, it isn't true.  I care.  I spend a lot of time worrying, and caring.  I have also spent a good deal of my life cultivating the "to the world, Kim" to look as if she doesn't care.  How else would I be able to survive a childhood filled with people who didn't understand that they were sucking the self-esteem out of me.  Maybe that isn't the right way to put it.  But when are treated like an outcast, by those who are supposed to love you and care for you, after a while, you say to yourself, "FUCK YOU, you aren't going to get the best of me."  But truthfully, they get the best of me, because I spend a hell of a lot of time on it.

And let's reframe this.  It IS a good thing that I look like I don't really care what you think about me.  I succeeded at that.  Now I just have to make it so that I actually don't care.  To some extent it is healthy to care what people think about you, but when someone has shown you again and again that you aren't important.  They use you to help try to boost their own ego, even if it doesn't work, it's time to rethink who you are letting into your life.

I have recently let someone out of my life like that.  And I can honestly say, it made all the difference in my world.  There was part of me that identified with that person.  But not with the parts I like about me.  Now that she is gone, I need to notice what those parts are and make an effort to change those behaviors. 

I am worthy of happiness.  I have many good qualities.  No one is perfect.  But it doesn't stop there.  You can't just think that because no one is perfect and you put in a tiny effort and that is good enough.  If I have a negative thought about myself or someone else... then saying "No one is perfect" is just an excused to continue to the behavior.  I may not be perfect, I will never be perfect, but I am sure as hell not going to give up being a good person and finding the best in people. That can only lead me to find the best in myself.  I am not going to give up my quest to love myself and feel worthy of affection, love, hugs.  I deserve those things.  Everyone does.