From January to now, I have lost 61 lbs. I'm still planning to lose about 29 more. In January, I weighed in at 235 lbs and I was gaining rapidly. I currently weight 174 lbs. I'd like to say that it was easy. But while it's been pretty easy to follow the plan, the mind games I play with myself haven't been easy.
A lot of this is due to complicated and confusing issues in society. Right now there is a big push for accepting yourself at whatever size you are. In fact, I feel it so much as a bigger person, I feel like I should join in. I feel like my curves (and fat) are my business. I do. I really feel that it's true. But sometimes, I think that this image doesn't take into consideration how I feel about myself. Yep, I know that I am still beautiful at 235 lbs. I've never been shamed (until this week) for it, and I have never had trouble finding people to date me whom I also found attractive. So it seemed like society thought I was beautiful, I participate in a sport that is super inclusive and allows me to use my body at any size and still feel like I belong there, and I was in a happy, healthy wonderful relationship. My body gave me 4 great kids, the list goes on. So what was wrong?
Well, nothing really. Except I wasn't happy when I looked in the mirror. I felt old. I was tired of using so much effort just to get off the floor when I fell during skating. I was starting to tell myself that I needed to give in and just be old, and satisfied with where I was at. It was stressing me out. Every time I ate something, I felt guilty. Not because it was delicious, not because I was indulging, not because I felt shamed. But because I didn't want to be that size and it was in the back of my mind that being satisfied at 235# wasn't my goal or how I saw myself. Society was mostly fine with my size, but I wasn't. And that's OK, too.
It's OK not to be satisfied. I can accept that I'm still a great person at any weight. Because that's true. But I can be a great weight at whatever weight I decide. Self acceptance doesn't mean that you have to be satisfied with wherever you are. It just means that you acknowledge your SELF WORTH.
Right now, I feel pretty good. The inflammation I was feeling is nearly gone. My joints feel like they did when I was 25. My asthma is better and I feel like I have a lot more energy every day. A lot of this is due to the fact that I took all sugar, starches and starchy vegetables out of my diet. Who knew that was increasing my inflammation?! My skating is improved, I feel like I have more control over my body. My goal is to lose these last 29 lbs. Yes, I'm happy that I've gotten this far. Yes, I feel good and I think I look pretty great most of the time, I still can acknowledge all that and still strive to go where I want to go. And that's OK, too.
