From January to now, I have lost 61 lbs. I'm still planning to lose about 29 more. In January, I weighed in at 235 lbs and I was gaining rapidly. I currently weight 174 lbs. I'd like to say that it was easy. But while it's been pretty easy to follow the plan, the mind games I play with myself haven't been easy.
A lot of this is due to complicated and confusing issues in society. Right now there is a big push for accepting yourself at whatever size you are. In fact, I feel it so much as a bigger person, I feel like I should join in. I feel like my curves (and fat) are my business. I do. I really feel that it's true. But sometimes, I think that this image doesn't take into consideration how I feel about myself. Yep, I know that I am still beautiful at 235 lbs. I've never been shamed (until this week) for it, and I have never had trouble finding people to date me whom I also found attractive. So it seemed like society thought I was beautiful, I participate in a sport that is super inclusive and allows me to use my body at any size and still feel like I belong there, and I was in a happy, healthy wonderful relationship. My body gave me 4 great kids, the list goes on. So what was wrong?
Well, nothing really. Except I wasn't happy when I looked in the mirror. I felt old. I was tired of using so much effort just to get off the floor when I fell during skating. I was starting to tell myself that I needed to give in and just be old, and satisfied with where I was at. It was stressing me out. Every time I ate something, I felt guilty. Not because it was delicious, not because I was indulging, not because I felt shamed. But because I didn't want to be that size and it was in the back of my mind that being satisfied at 235# wasn't my goal or how I saw myself. Society was mostly fine with my size, but I wasn't. And that's OK, too.
It's OK not to be satisfied. I can accept that I'm still a great person at any weight. Because that's true. But I can be a great weight at whatever weight I decide. Self acceptance doesn't mean that you have to be satisfied with wherever you are. It just means that you acknowledge your SELF WORTH.
Right now, I feel pretty good. The inflammation I was feeling is nearly gone. My joints feel like they did when I was 25. My asthma is better and I feel like I have a lot more energy every day. A lot of this is due to the fact that I took all sugar, starches and starchy vegetables out of my diet. Who knew that was increasing my inflammation?! My skating is improved, I feel like I have more control over my body. My goal is to lose these last 29 lbs. Yes, I'm happy that I've gotten this far. Yes, I feel good and I think I look pretty great most of the time, I still can acknowledge all that and still strive to go where I want to go. And that's OK, too.
Hello Gemberly. So good to know you through your profile on the blogger and the blog post. I am glad to get connected with you. I am a Pastor from Mumbai,India. I love getting connected with the people of God globally to build relationship to encourage, strengthen and pray for one another. I am in the Pastoral ministry for last 37yrs in this great city of Mumbai a city with great contrast where richest of rich and the poorest of poor live. We reachout to the pooret of poor with the love of Christ to bring healing to the broken hearted. We also encourage young and the adults from the west to come to Mumbai to work with us during their vacation time. Since you are a Registered Nurse we would love to have a you to come with other friends of yours to work with us in our Medical camps to treat the diseases of the people in the slums who can not afford to go to private doctors. Due to poorest sanitation in the slums poorest of poor people are prone to different kinds of diseases. Your coming and helping us in the medical camps will be so rewarding for you and will bring physical and spiritual healing to the sick people. My email id is: dhwankhede(at)gmail(dot)com and my name is Diwakar Wankhede. Looking forward to hear from you very soon. I am sure it will be a life changing experience for you and others who would come with you. Or even if it is not possible we will appreciate if young people from your church or friends circle are motivated for such missions trip during their vacation time. God's richest blessings on you, your family and friends.
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