Becoming One with the Grief.

Grief is a funny thing.  It's been eleven years since my little girl died.  I've work hard in the past to get to a place where I didn't let grief control me.  At some point, as much as I wanted to cry, I stopped letting myself cry.  Not because I was afraid of what people were thinking, or anything, but because it was giving me headaches, my asthma was worse, the crying itself was making me sick. 

So I tried not to cry. It got easier as things went on.  I learned to feel when I was headed into the place in my head where I would start crying, and I would tell myself to think of something else and eventually, I could.  During this process I also felt guilty for doing this, but remembered that she would hate that I was upset all the time. 

That seems easy, you know?  It's so easy to say "just change the way you think".  But it is literally all I did.  Much like when I gave up sugar, I just stopped eating it.  Sounds so easy, but the work behind it was much, much harder.  Both things would be easy to give into.  I love bread.  I love thinking about my daughter and what she would have been like and her hugs and her laugh.  It is work to "put them away".  It is work to decide make a choice on whether or not you want to let yourself have the bread, or the feelings.  And honestly, the work to put away the feelings has been much, much harder than giving up bread ever could be, but I wanted to give an example that you could all relate to. 

I don't love her any less, I just know that she would want me to really LIVE and that was really hard to do when I was crying myself into sickness all the time.  She would be proud that I can put the feelings away and that I have a little control over how deep I wanted to wade into the sadness when those feelings came up.  Like this morning.  I'm not sure what triggered it, but I was sitting there, and one thought lead to another and suddenly, I was thinking of how much it all completely and utterly SUCKS that this happened to her and to our family.  My youngest daughter was in the backseat and I said, "gosh, this feels like one of those days that I could cry all day."  I mean literally, in that moment, I was completely back to 11 years ago and feelings of complete despair.  I let myself have that moment and I thought to myself, "I can't do this to myself, it's taking nothing from Emerald's memory to choose a different outcome." She is still my daughter.  She is still loved.  She is still very much missed.  But instead of crying for a couple hours, I can go LIVE in her honor. 

This isn't to say that it's wrong to cry.  Sometimes, we have to.  Sometimes, especially at the start, you just don't have any control over it.  We have all had days where we are thinking of something else then suddenly a song plays on the radio and we can't shake the sad.  Most of us who have children die have this happen.  My grief hasn't ended.  It's just changed.  It's part of me.  Almost welcome now.  I can visit the feelings without letting it ruin my day, it's not making me sick.  It allows me to be more grateful for everything in my life.  For the people in it, no matter their role or where they were in the story. 

I just wanted you to know that it's OK if the sad doesn't control you.  Don't feel guilty when you get to this spot, it's a victory. You can see more of the big picture. It's living. <3