I Am Willpowerful!

I had a friend message me today, we got to talking about how to stay on track.  I'm really good about sticking to my plan. Sure, I'm not perfect, I do on occasion have a piece of cake at a birthday party, but mostly, I just don't want it, and the longer I stay away from sugar, the more, I'm not terribly interested.  I like to focus on what I can have rather than what I cannot.

While I was in Nebraska with my kids for a week, I stayed on plan.  It wasn't hard, we saved a lot of money by not going out to eat.  I simply made sure we had a room with a fridge, and a microwave and brought a crock pot with us. My crock pot has a separate base that can also be used as a griddle.  You can probably get away with also using a cooler instead of a fridge, but you need to be careful to keep things cool.  I bought chicken, and ground beef and whatever I wanted to go with those things.  My kids still eat bread, so we had buns for sloppy joes and taco shells for their tacos, cheese and sour cream and guacamole.

I cooked the chicken or ground beef in the crock pot for dinner that night and then put the leftovers away to eat another day and we just used the microwave to heat stuff up.  It was super simple and made what could have been an expensive trip, a lot cheaper, and mine and my kids bellies were always full.  We didn't worry about breakfast because the hotel had breakfast every day.  But I could have chosen to cook eggs for sure, since I had a griddle available with my crock pot. Some people might choose to eat out more often when they are on vacation, but honestly, I would eat the same things, and it took virtually no effort to do it this way.

We are planning on leaving for a trip for Vegas (Yay! RollerCon!) and I plan to do the same thing with a trip to the grocery store the first day.  I'm going to pack seasonings and whatever I can and because we are flying SouthWest, I'll just pack my second bag with the crock pot and whatever else I want to bring with me.  I really don't eat for the sake of eating.  I eat when I'm hungry.  So this works really well for me.  But we will see how my husband fairs this time around.  The kids didn't complain at all!

This morning one of my friends messaged me because I seem to have a lot of willpower when it comes to this sort of stuff.  The best way I could explain it was to say that I look at carbs or junk the same as spending money on an ugly, unflattering piece of clothing.  No way would I go into a store and spend money on something that didn't look good on me.  So when I think of eating junk, I consider that. I consider junk/carbs as an unflattering shirt.  I certainly don't want to wear it!  Why would I buy it?  It makes it easier for me to pass this stuff by.  Same as if I were to go to someone's house. If someone wanted to give me something that wasn't going to look good on me, I wouldn't take it.  I know that all that extra junk isn't going to look good on me.  So I just leave it for someone else.

Do what's best for you!!

Sunday.

I just came back from practice, and I was thinking about the whole night. I'm not sure where this post is going to go, but I was specifically thinking about the night in relationship to my whole year this year.  I know it's been a hard year for a lot of people.  I had my own tragedies this year, but I can't say that the year itself, in whole, was bad.  I mean there is still 3 months to go... so I guess there is time to change my mind. LOL

So we were at derby and I was having a great night, I had lots of energy.  I have no idea where it came from, but there it was.  So every chance we had to get water (I don't drink water during practice, because of gastroparesis/reflux issues) I was trying something new.  Which probably didn't look like too much to anyone else.  Except it was huge that I was even trying to do anything at all.  Since coming to Tampa, and to some extent prior to that, I have really held myself back.  I felt this way a little in Michigan, but I always just tried to work through it.  Here, for the 3 years prior, I would absolutely put in effort, but was it my best effort? 

Probably not.

In fact, I know exact moments when I would puss out.  I was scared.  These women I play derby with are intimidating.  My heroes. I was afraid that I could never measure up!  In my head, there was no way that I could be half as good as them, and in my head, I just knew they were laughing at me! Laughing every time I tried something new, every time I fell, every time I tried and didn't make my goal. 

Except they weren't. 

I let myself be held back by my imagination and fear.  I lost 80#, I could feel myself getting stronger, I just couldn't get past something in my head telling me that I couldn't let down my guard and let anything know that I cared that I couldn't get where I wanted to be.  Why wasn't it working?  People can see that I am trying hard, I thought!  I mean, I lost all this weight!  I show up!!  And all that was true and it was a good thing. 

But something was missing.

I asked for a lot of advice this year and I got back a lot of great stuff.  The two best things were that it isn't all about just being low on the track, you need to be low and agile.  That made a lot of sense, because I could get low, but then I was stuck.  Working on ladder drills in derby position really helped me use my muscles in a way that would help with that!  I was actively working on that when I broke my leg in February and I really think working on that was one of the things that helped me start that break in pretty good shape!  It made moving around with one leg easier!  LOL

The second bit of advice and it's probably the most important.  And a lot of skaters do it themselves and then lie to themselves about it.  I know I did.  Take something pretty easy like warm ups.  We do a lot of time, 5 hard, fast laps, and then we work on things like transitions, stops and stuff like that.  Well, I would half ass it, nearly 100% of the time.  I wasn't confident in my skills, because they were lacking, so instead of putting the effort to gain speed, or get low, I would just do as much as I KNEW would make it so I could perform the skill.  So where did that leave me?  In 3 years, I made slight progress, but in no way was it where I wanted to go.  And to top it off my teammates just got better during that time.  I didn't have to tell anyone I was doing it.  THEY ALL COULD SEE IT!!  They could see my lackadaisical attitude.  I had moments on the track where I had decent hit, or I worked well, in the pack with my teammates, but they could see that I wasn't putting in 100%.

So back to the beginning of this year...I was depressed because I wasn't eval'ing at the level I was desperate for.  Or so I was telling myself.  The advice I got was pretty much... that I was holding back.  That I didn't look hungry. 

It was like a slap in the face.

Of course I was hungry, I never wanted anything more than to be accepted by this group of people in my life!  I wanted it!! 

And then I really thought about it.  I thought about all the times that I went half speed on my plows, because I couldn't stop when I went faster, and all the times, I went out there for a jam and was happy it was called off early, because it wasn't going like I had hoped and I wanted a redo.  Or the fact that everyone would pass me by during laps (and there is no shame here, I mean as long as you are doing your best!).  I wasn't even competing with myself anymore.  I was just lying to myself.  How badly do you want something, if you aren't even going to put in 75% effort!? 

So I started putting in effort.  Actually, I felt like a fraud at first.  I am sure no one could even tell a difference, but I was afraid that someone would call me out on it and embarrass me.  Like how silly is that? "Hey Anja! YOU IDIOT! WE CAN TELL YOU ARE TRYING!  AHAHAHAHAHAH!" Right.  needless to say, no one would say that.  But that's how irrational fear is. 

Then one day, I realized, I was going faster, my body was doing things I had told myself it would never do, and people did notice that I was trying.  And what did they say?  They said, "We can really see your effort in that drill!" "Wow, you were where you needed to be the whole time".  "That was exactly what you needed to do."  When I spent time working on my own stuff tonight, I got claps for my spin that I have been working on for a year and a half.  It wasn't great.  But no one was laughing at me.  When I do those 5 laps, I put in 100%.  When we do stops, I sometimes fall right on my ass.  No one laughs. 

So my biggest piece of advice is to put yourself out there!  Sure, they are looking at your skills!  But they are also looking at your heart!  Put it all in!  Don't let your brain lie to you.  You CAN DO IT! 

Gastroparesis Sucks.

My gastroparesis is acting up a week now. Maybe a little longer, I just didn't realize the signs. I wish I loved protein shakes. I wish diet coke was nutritious. Lol  Suddenly, one meal, I ate my normal sized portion and I couldn't finish it.  I only eat twice a day and I am pretty routine with what I eat.  Normally, my belly empties pretty fast and leaves me nice and flat!  But not that day and not since. I eat and it just sits there. "What is gastroparesis?", you are probably wondering!  Normally peristalsis pushes the food down through your GI tract.  Like little contractions or waves. Sometimes, that doesn't happen.  They say that the stomach is paralyzed, but it may be just slow, like mine.

To sum it up, the food I eat, just sits in my belly and rots. It's been just sitting there, overfull since dinner last night. When food starts to break down it creates gas and because it's in my belly, I feel bloated and full.  I have practice again tonight, so I can't eat much until it goes down.  And since it's beyond annoying (it hurts and increases anxiety) to skate like that I just have to wait it out and time my meals around practice. Normally, I just need to limit what I eat a few hours prior to practice. I can't have water or food just before, or during, or I risk (and have!) aspiration of that fluid/food into my lungs. If there is a bunch of water in my belly, then exertion will put pressure that forces it back up my esophagus. Which is pretty grody.  It's good that I'm keto-adapted, but, if this happens too often, even my fat stores won't help me.

 Keto-adapted means that I burn fat primarily and use ketone bodies for energy instead of sugar (glucose). I have lots of fat, so I can use that up and still feel up to activities. Since I workout and do all my practices fasted already, it doesn't affect my performance. Luckily, it's only been a couple times a year so far that this happens. Lets hope this is short lived. 

You DO Have the Motivation You Need.

I recently posted on my FaceBook page that I lost 80 lbs.  I've been posting every pound I lost since I started on this journey in 2015. I'm proud of myself. I still have a little bit to go, but largely I am happy about how I look and feel at this weight. 

I get a lot people who message me or post on my page saying that, "I wish I had your motivation" or "If only I had 1/2 your resolve." or "I just don't think I could do it."  Well, I'm going to tell you that you DO and CAN do whatever you put your mind to.  Sounds simple.  But there is so much more to it than that.

At some point, I started putting this first in my life.  Meaning, I wanted to get healthier and I worked to find a way to make it happen.  I work at it almost every single day.  I worked at it until it was habit to eat this way.  I read, I studied, I experimented, I tracked, I sweated, I took pictures.  It's been my job.  And I'm lucky, at this point my only other job is to help support my family, by being present in their lives.  My husband works.  I work seasonally.  And I help guide my kids with homeschool. 

But that's me. 

Maybe you want to get fit.  It's on your list of "things to accomplish before I turn 45".  But really, what else is on that list?  Are you working really hard at your job trying to better able to support your family?  Are you trying to go to, or get into a tough school program?  Do you have a bunch of little kids that leave you mentally and physically spent at the end of the day?  Are those your priorities?  Where does fitness fit in?  For years, I said "I wanted to be skinny".  But it took about 15 years for me to get to the point where I finally had that priority at the top of my list.  And that's OK!  It's a matter of working at the list.  Maybe you don't get everything on the list done now.  Maybe there is stuff that much more important on the list for you for right now.  Just do what you can!  You don't need to be actively successful at all the things at the same time.  When I was in nursing school, it was all I could do to get up in the AM and go to school.  My scrubs were too tight, and I wasn't happy about it, but my top priority wasn't to fit into my scrubs, it was to NOT DROP out school.  So I made that happen.  Winning. 

Now, if you do have weight loss, or building muscle on your list, but you are really stressed for time, I would recommend maybe reading about it, or join a FaceBook group so that thing you want comes up in your feed, or you are learning about it.  Plant seeds in your brain and get psyched up for when the time is right!  Maybe make a few changes in your lifestyle that are a small step in the direction you want to go.  You want to cut out sugar?  Change a habit that goes hand in hand with that.  For instance. Never buy stuff in bulk packages.  Decide that you are going to either make it from scratch or you will drive to the store to buy a single pack of whatever it is.  Make it a bother.   Honestly, I still do that, with stupid "healthy" things, like nuts.  I can't be trusted with a bulk package.  So I just stopped doing it. 

If something isn't a priority to you even in 10 years time, really look at what HAS been a priority.  Have you been sitting around wishing things would happen, or have you been only able to put in a little bit of time at the gym and been raising your kids til they were off to college?  Only you can decide what is a priority and you shouldn't feel bad about choosing your kids. 

Just keep moving forward!!!!  Eventually, you will get there!

Becoming One with the Grief.

Grief is a funny thing.  It's been eleven years since my little girl died.  I've work hard in the past to get to a place where I didn't let grief control me.  At some point, as much as I wanted to cry, I stopped letting myself cry.  Not because I was afraid of what people were thinking, or anything, but because it was giving me headaches, my asthma was worse, the crying itself was making me sick. 

So I tried not to cry. It got easier as things went on.  I learned to feel when I was headed into the place in my head where I would start crying, and I would tell myself to think of something else and eventually, I could.  During this process I also felt guilty for doing this, but remembered that she would hate that I was upset all the time. 

That seems easy, you know?  It's so easy to say "just change the way you think".  But it is literally all I did.  Much like when I gave up sugar, I just stopped eating it.  Sounds so easy, but the work behind it was much, much harder.  Both things would be easy to give into.  I love bread.  I love thinking about my daughter and what she would have been like and her hugs and her laugh.  It is work to "put them away".  It is work to decide make a choice on whether or not you want to let yourself have the bread, or the feelings.  And honestly, the work to put away the feelings has been much, much harder than giving up bread ever could be, but I wanted to give an example that you could all relate to. 

I don't love her any less, I just know that she would want me to really LIVE and that was really hard to do when I was crying myself into sickness all the time.  She would be proud that I can put the feelings away and that I have a little control over how deep I wanted to wade into the sadness when those feelings came up.  Like this morning.  I'm not sure what triggered it, but I was sitting there, and one thought lead to another and suddenly, I was thinking of how much it all completely and utterly SUCKS that this happened to her and to our family.  My youngest daughter was in the backseat and I said, "gosh, this feels like one of those days that I could cry all day."  I mean literally, in that moment, I was completely back to 11 years ago and feelings of complete despair.  I let myself have that moment and I thought to myself, "I can't do this to myself, it's taking nothing from Emerald's memory to choose a different outcome." She is still my daughter.  She is still loved.  She is still very much missed.  But instead of crying for a couple hours, I can go LIVE in her honor. 

This isn't to say that it's wrong to cry.  Sometimes, we have to.  Sometimes, especially at the start, you just don't have any control over it.  We have all had days where we are thinking of something else then suddenly a song plays on the radio and we can't shake the sad.  Most of us who have children die have this happen.  My grief hasn't ended.  It's just changed.  It's part of me.  Almost welcome now.  I can visit the feelings without letting it ruin my day, it's not making me sick.  It allows me to be more grateful for everything in my life.  For the people in it, no matter their role or where they were in the story. 

I just wanted you to know that it's OK if the sad doesn't control you.  Don't feel guilty when you get to this spot, it's a victory. You can see more of the big picture. It's living. <3

It Happens to Me, Too!!

I wanted to write a quick post to let you all know that stalls happen to me, too.  In fact, most of the time, I feel stalled.  I've just gotten to the point where I just let the process happen.  I eat my macros and I wait it out.  Sometimes, when I step on the scale (like yesterday) I'm 10 lbs heavier!  10!

Now, bear in mind that 10 lb increase over a month, is likely different than a 10 lb increase in 2 days.  Unless you are severely over-eating, it is IMPOSSIBLE to gain 10 pounds of fat over night.  What is likely is that it's water weight.  It's unlikely to gain any fat over night like that!!  So whether it's 2 lbs or 10 lbs.  Try not to worry, it happens to all of us!

Ok, now be impressed with my technological savvy.  Here is a pic of my graph for the past year with My Fitness Pal. I'm too lazy to take a screen shot and my husband is probably cringing right now, but it is what it is. This graph show that there were many weeks where I had no loss.  It doesn't show the first part of my weight loss because

it was not included in the graph.  I lost about a pound every day for the first 3 weeks.  I'd say it was a few every few days.  Now, that doesn't happen at all.  In fact, the weight loss seriously slowed after a few weeks.  Now it's around 5 pounds a month.  Or it was.  I'm not really worried about that at this point.  I just kind of know that it will keep decreasing and trust the process. 

I get messages about this all the time.  So I figured I'd take the time to address it.  In My Fitness Pal, I also only report the decreases.  Frequently, the scale goes up a few pounds.  Our bodies are constantly trying to keep themselves even and stable.  This is normal, it's called homostasis.  They want to hang on to the fat storage we have.  Water weight varies from day to day in most people by a few pounds.  This is completely normal.  There are many reason for this.  Injuries, dehydration, medications, foods we eat, sickness, menstrual cycle.  This can all play a role.  Try not to stress too much about it.  Just know that it happens to all of us.  Whether you are losing for first pound or your 77th pound.

I know for myself what caused my 10 pound gain.  I also know that it's something that won't be repeated and I can tell it's finally going back down!  I am hoping to lose a few more pounds so that's good news!  And while it bugs me, I am not going to let it worry me.  I'm going to keep eating what I know works for me and just trust the process.

Hang in there, friends!!

Year Eleven and the Return of the Grief Train

I think people forget.  They forget that I am broken inside.  They forget that I lost a child.  Not literally. I mean, they know.  They just get used to me being me the rest of the year.  The woman who tries to live life anyway. The woman who works to have positivity.  In the past this time of year has caused me great distress.  In the past 10 years I have become more at ease when it comes to the loss of my child.  It still hurts.  It will always hurt.  But it is as part of me as my hearing loss or the fact that I have two arms or that I have 5 kids.

So this time of year even when I don't see it happening at first, the darker side of me comes out.  Little things start to show up kind of subtly.  My sense of humor gets darker, my frustration level goes up as triggers for my daughter's death become more and more apparent.  Maybe you know people like this.  Maybe you are one of those people.  These are just coping mechanisms.  December... January... February... March... then finally I can breathe.  I've worked hard to identify and acknowledge and decide if I want to deal or not deal with a particular trigger.  To get to this spot was a lot of work.  In the past, this time of year was just a free-for-all of emotions.  This past year, I've felt that I've really grown as a person.  I can usually see what is happening and I try to make a choice on how and if I am going to let it affect me.  Sometimes, it still catches me off guard, but I try to back track through it, and see how I can find it faster the next time.  I know this probably seems foreign to some of you.  But crying every day for 4 months and just letting out that dark side of me without any thought to what anyone else thinks or how they are affected isn't an option. That scares people. Truthfully, it scares me, too. There is no freedom in feeling flooded with emotion. There is no safety in feeling crazy.

This year, even I forgot. Here it is almost diagnosis day and I've been filled with emotions. I couldn't put my finger on it. Other events have been going on and I thought it was just that. My friend Cary, lost her daughter to a brain tumor and it's a lot of PSTD feelings we go through, especially when it's someone "close" in our journey. I've work really hard not to cry. I've lost that battle several times. But certainly not as bad as it could have been.  I've had people come up to me and tell me "they are concerned" and now my friend posted that I've seemed negative lately.  Yeah, maybe a little.  Nothing like I've been in the past.  In the past, I'd be so stressed that I wouldn't be able to do anything but lie in bed and watch netflix or sleep or yell or eat.  Just knowing this day was coming.  The cycle was beginning.  Leading up to Emerald's birthday.  This year she will be gone longer than she was alive.  I can't even type that without tearing up.  But as another friend suggested, I don't have to allow those feelings to bounce around in my head just because they are there.  I can allow them in when I want them in and I can tell them to go away and come back later.  I do have control over that. The fact, that I didn't connect Sofie's death with the beginning of Emerald's journey this year is both kind of liberating for me as I work down the grief journey and at the same time (only other people who have been in this place will understand) I sort of feel guilty for forgetting about Emerald, like it wasn't important. To get off track a little, I don't think Emerald would mind.  She quite literally wanted me to be happy. She said so. So yay?  "Finally!" she is probably thinking.

This whole grief thing has been quite a journey.  It's not over.  It won't ever be over.  Be gentle with me.  Like I've learned to be with myself.  If I'm a bit impatient or seem frustrated and it doesn't seem like me, then realize that it IS actually me.  It's me coping with a pretty shitty event in my life.  And please know that I've come a really long way in finding happiness and trying to make sense of it all.  Because it's my life.  Oh and if I make a post that's kind of obnoxious and I'm trying to be funny... Well, that's just who I am.  <3