Gastroparesis Sucks.

My gastroparesis is acting up a week now. Maybe a little longer, I just didn't realize the signs. I wish I loved protein shakes. I wish diet coke was nutritious. Lol  Suddenly, one meal, I ate my normal sized portion and I couldn't finish it.  I only eat twice a day and I am pretty routine with what I eat.  Normally, my belly empties pretty fast and leaves me nice and flat!  But not that day and not since. I eat and it just sits there. "What is gastroparesis?", you are probably wondering!  Normally peristalsis pushes the food down through your GI tract.  Like little contractions or waves. Sometimes, that doesn't happen.  They say that the stomach is paralyzed, but it may be just slow, like mine.

To sum it up, the food I eat, just sits in my belly and rots. It's been just sitting there, overfull since dinner last night. When food starts to break down it creates gas and because it's in my belly, I feel bloated and full.  I have practice again tonight, so I can't eat much until it goes down.  And since it's beyond annoying (it hurts and increases anxiety) to skate like that I just have to wait it out and time my meals around practice. Normally, I just need to limit what I eat a few hours prior to practice. I can't have water or food just before, or during, or I risk (and have!) aspiration of that fluid/food into my lungs. If there is a bunch of water in my belly, then exertion will put pressure that forces it back up my esophagus. Which is pretty grody.  It's good that I'm keto-adapted, but, if this happens too often, even my fat stores won't help me.

 Keto-adapted means that I burn fat primarily and use ketone bodies for energy instead of sugar (glucose). I have lots of fat, so I can use that up and still feel up to activities. Since I workout and do all my practices fasted already, it doesn't affect my performance. Luckily, it's only been a couple times a year so far that this happens. Lets hope this is short lived. 

Practice is for Practice.

A few months ago, I went to another skater and expressed concern that I was "holding others back" during some practices.  I was told to "keep trying, practice is for practice".

I thought about it, and that's totally true.  It's not just practice for your individual skills, it is practice for everyone, both individually and as a team.  So when I skate with a newer skater or someone I wouldn't prefer to skate with, I try to keep that in mind, and give feed back while we are doing a drill or whatever that helps them be a better skater.  And sometimes, it feels like it is at the expense of my own personal practice time.  But it isn't.  It is Anja getting to practice being a teammate and leader.  And I absolutely get out of it, what I put into it.

Every time you help a less experienced or someone who has trouble with a particular skill you are good at better their skills, you bring the whole team up.  It makes you look BETTER on the track.  Every time you make someone feel comfortable being able to practice up to their best ability, you win, they win.  We win as a team. And the opposite can be true.  Every time you decide that you don't like that person for whatever perceived or actual issue you have, and let that affect your attitude on the track, you, them and the team all lose for a second.

I've been really lucky that I have gotten feedback and encouragement and help from really great skaters, and honestly, I've gotten really great advice from skaters who are less experienced or don't really even like me.  I appreciate all of it.  Because if I am a better skater and teammate, then our practices are even better/harder because I am a better opponent during practice, which will in turn make everyone better skaters. When my teammates are better skaters, it helps make me work harder to be a better skater.  We are all connected.  Because it's a team.  We don't win games because our jammers know how to break down their own teammate's walls. We will win games when we teach our blockers how to stop us and we have to think differently.  We do this by learning as a team. 

Our individual skills on the track matter.  But derby is a team sport.  Our team skates at least twice a week for 2 hours, more if you are travel 11 months out of the year.  At a minimum you have roughly 192 HOURS of practice time.  If you are having trouble taking a two minute jam with a skater you don't like, or you feel isn't worth your practice time on a 15 minute drill, or whatever, the problem isn't them.  It's you.

Because practice, is for practice.

They are Always Watching.

I didn't make the B team.  For clarification, I am eligible, but my peers didn't choose me.  While I whined for a bit, and have worried since, the only "w" word, I should focus on here is "work".  So that's that.

Anya getting through the pack with Tampa Jr. Derby. 

I spent an afternoon, a few days later, with my daughter.  She also plays derby.  When I put myself down, she immediately tried to make me feel better.  Because that's the type of kid she is.  Taking that into consideration... She wants to be like me and she isn't going to want to keep working in that direction if I keep labeling myself as "A Loser" every time I make a mistake or feel like I had a poor practice, she is watching and listening.  If she makes those same mistakes, she is learning that she is also, "a loser".

That's the very last thing I want.  I don't even want her to aspire to me like me.  I want her to want MORE and it would be really hard for her to hit HER personal highest potential if I show her that I lack self-worth in the most important person.  Myself.  At some point she may think...'I can't [rap Slick Rick's Bedtime Story] as well as my mom, so I must suck at it, why bother trying'.  When really, it is just a lack of experience, or knowledge in how to do something. I want her to see that I have a passion to succeed and meet my personal goals.  I don't suck.  I just need to work harder to get where I want to be.  Perhaps, I won't meet every goal, but I try my damnedest to make it happen. I want her to see that.  In order for that to happen, I need to stop highlighting to her, to everyone and to myself, all the things I can't do.  I mean, why say, it?  We all know what we can't do. 

The draft for home teams is this week.  I can't say that I am not anxious about it.  I totally am.  I was passed by before, and passed by for the B team.  But you know what?  I would make a great addition to any of the teams there.  And if they don't see that, well, It won't stop me from shining and doing my best.  Because I am someone who doesn't give up on their dreams.

I hope my kids can see that.  And if they don't.  I need to change my behavior so they do.  I have that power. 

ASS U ME

I realized the other day what a jerk I have been.

I assume that all the negative, horrible people I have ever met in my life are the people I am meeting that day, in just different bodies.  From the start, I assume the worst.  I am not going to put on some rose-colored glasses and say that everyone loves me or finds me amazing, because I am an optimist that doesn't eliminate all the negative choices, I just generally chose to play up the positive ones.  I see the negative and I know it's there.

But it isn't safe to assume that everyone feels the same way that a few shitty people I have met in my life, feel.  In fact, if people knew I was thinking that, why would they give me a chance at all?

When I see someone who is new skating, I don't assume they suck.  I just assume they need to work on things.  Or maybe that is the best of their ability today.  Kudos for them just getting their asses off the couch, it's hard to put yourself out there.  Why wouldn't I think that most people are more like me?  So when I need help with my skating skills, and people help me, instead of me feeling like I am being called out for being a shitty skater, I should know that they may just see potential or how I could do things better.  The same way that I would do for anyone else.

When I assume that people don't like me, I start acting as if people don't like me.  I appear closed off.  I put up a wall. And it's a pretty good fricking wall.  If there is one thing I do really freaking-all-balls-out-amazing, it's put up a wall.  No one wants to be hurt.  I am no stranger to that feeling.  But I have been through the worst of shit and I have come out on top, where the air is fresh and life is beautiful.

Every time I realize I am doing it, I try to address it.  And every time I do that, I get a little better at taking the wall down for longer.

"let feel one more time, what it feels like to feel and break these calluses off of me, one more time... "  Someday, I will get it.

In the meantime, don't make assumptions about people.  I got something in my email from "the universe".  Telling me to treat everyone as if they are as brilliant as I am.  Because quite honestly, in some way, they are.  We all are. 

Be shiny!

XOXO
Anja

Athlete? Why yes, I think so.

A five years ago, decided to try out for the Detroit Derby Girls.  They were the only place I knew of that had derby in the area.  I got skates for Christmas that year, but I had just had a baby, so I waited to try out.  The next year  I bought all the equipment, I got what I wanted, because I KNEW I wanted to do this.  I was terribly out of shape, so I started going to open skates when I had time.   We had to go to this Derby U class that was held just days before tryouts.  I am not a small girl now.  I am not exactly young either.  But whatever, I went.  I had no clue that I was going to have to do "rock stars" and "180 turns" and whatever else they taught us that weekend.  But I do know this.  My quadriceps hated me by the day we had tryouts.  The day came. I showed up.  I gave everything I had, despite the fact that I could barely walk, two days after learning all these new things.  And I didn't make it.  Barely. 

I was upset that I didn't to start right then, but I didn't let that hold me back from working even harder to make up where I fell short for the next try out period.  Until...

My 2 year old was learning to ride a tricycle in our yard and I have 4 kids and at the time a home daycare.  I had this brilliant idea to practice crossovers in the driveway while the kids played outside.  My kid innocently drove right into my path.  I could see it coming.  I tried to decide if I should just hit the garage door or attempt to go around her.  I went for the later.  Unfortunately, her tricycle was the kind that had a handle on it, and when I skirted around her, it got caught on my pants, so I lifted it up.  She started to fall, so I put it back down, and promptly wiped out.  There was SO much ruckus with the kids running to help and Eliza crying that I didn't hear or feel anything much... and my only thought was "if I was playing in a game, I wouldn't be getting up."  There I lay on the pavement, surrounded by children, face down.  My [now husband] came running out and undid my gear, and I went into the house and got some ice.  Eliza, was OK, but screaming her head off that "mommy hurt me" with her dime sized abrasion to her knee.  Three hours later, I could tell something was wrong. I researched and I thought maybe it was my ACL. My knee was swelling up, pretty big, and it hurt to move in certain directions, but I could still walk on it.  I had free tickets to see Peter Murphy that night and decided not to go, since I didn't think I would be able to walk much.  This was a huge bummer.

I ignored my injury and even went skating a few times.  I started nursing school and my knee was STILL swollen, but seemed to be shrinking over time.  One day I stepped onto a 2 inch curb and I could feel the inside of my knee slip and I almost fell on my ass.  I decided to go to a sports medicine doctor.  Who called 2 hours after my MRI to ask if I was OK and refer me to another guy for surgery to repair my torn ACL.  2 days later, I had surgery.

Sept 2009

My doctor was the best. Both the regular sports doctor and the surgeon.  They didn't see just an out-of-shape nearly 40 year old.  They saw someone who had a spark, and when my doctor stated, "athletes like you, who have other responsibilities, like kids and jobs, need to have a strong repair".  I was taken back.  I thought, "ME?  An athlete?"  I could feel my face turn red.  He wanted to get me back to try out again, soon.  Skating within a few short months.  I think it was the first time, ever, anyone took my effort totally seriously and it made all the difference in my recovery and subsequent return to skating.

Fast forward, to today.  4 years later!  I never tried out again for DDG, I went with another league, but after a torn ACL,  broken patella,  broken tailbone and shin stress fractures, issues with high arches and 40 lbs lighter, I am actually playing. The more I play, the more serious I get about the sport.  The more serious I get about getting myself healthy.  Being an athlete is more than just being in great shape and at the top of your game.  It's a spark.  It's sheer will. It's working to your highest potential every day.  Not one great athlete was a star overnight.  They all started somewhere and this is where I began.  Have a great day!!

XOXO
Anja

Lucky Me.

So one day, a couple months ago, I came home from work and I said to my husband (not sure if he was even my husband at the time,) and said, "I think I am going to give up on the idea of going back to school, and focus on increasing my skills in derby instead".

Now for the average person that might sound ludicrous.  Some days it is even that way for me, and it's my idea.  The best part of this is that regardless of whether he was my husband or not... he didn't try to talk me out of it.  In fact, he just simply asked me more about the idea, and how I planned to achieve what I wanted.  And has been nothing but supportive of my every move.  Which is amazing.  I am so grateful.

I was listening to an MP3 about goal setting (Bonnie.D, of course) and she was talking about how it is hard to have a brand new idea and share it with someone.  More often than not, people don't know what to do with a brand new idea.  Many people would just say that my idea was crazy and irresponsible.  But it isn't like I am going to quit my job now, and pursue derby and leave the financial shit to him.  I mean we have 4 kids.  HAHA.

Anyway, This post is just about how happy and grateful I am to have such a fantastic guy to share my dreams and ideas with.  This next year I need to work on being the one he can also bounce off ideas.  Part of my change of focus is self-reflection in the areas that hold me back, from being the person I want to be and this is one area. Admission is the first step... He is a great role model, and I hope I can be as responsible with a brand new idea as he is.  I am one lucky girl.   Have a great night!!

Taking on Uneccessary Crap.

So lately, I have been giving a few things some thought.  I noticed that while I long to have lots of people like me and want to spend time with me, or even just how I feel like I want to be included, I watch people in the inner circles of things and realize that they don't look happy there.  I know when I was in the circle, I wasn't either.  I am much happier where I am now.

Two months ago, we attended the Bonnie D. Stroir Clinic with A2D2 and while she had a lot to share on the track, she had a lot to say, too.  One of the things she talked about was not watching the jams you aren't in during a game.  This is what I always did, until one day, I didn't and started watching.  She suggested that not watching helps you keep your energy, so you aren't sucked into it, by another player"s bad jam.  Basically, you go to your zen place while on the bench. (Not if you are in the box, then you need to pay attention) and when your teammates get off the floor, you tell them they did a good job, regardless of the outcome.  I really liked this idea, and could see the benefit, I have been sharing it with everyone I played with since.

Today, I read an article in Scrubs Magazine. The article is called, "Are You Out of Control?"  By Elizabeth Farrell.  Interestingly, the article mentions something about this.  Say your kid gets a shot.  You FEEL the shot yourself.  That is "empathy pain" that we all have experienced at one time or another.  She said that it's "mirror neurons registering the pain".  To extend all this further, you can look at drama or gossip that you have had to deal with, and realize that it also "sucks the life out of you".  I think it is much the same thing.  I know that if I have to deal with a friend that tends to draw that kind of "excitement" I feel at times as if I am emotionally going through it too.  It is physically and mentally draining.  There are a couple of things you can do about this.  Like in the game, you need to mentally zone out, get out of there and literally think happy thoughts.  I think we would all benefit if we could just learn to meditate every day, when it is quiet and then when things are crazy, you will have a better grasp on finding that peace for a few minutes.

I know that this is what helps me, especially the last year.  Of course, identifying those toxic personalities helps, because you can prepare to not let it get to you.  You don't have to get rid of them as friends, and sometimes with teammates or co-workers you don't have a choice.  But you have control over how you react to the situation.

Hugs and Bruises. :)