Sister You Know My Heart's Been Broken...

My daughter died 7 years ago.  7 long years.  She has now been dead as long as I had her as an only.  I joined derby because it was an awesome way for me to get my feelings out.  Meet people.  Not feel so alone. It worked for a time.

Emerald was a huge (obviously) part of my life.  Huge.  I will always talk about her.  I thought that it was always safe to talk about her, but after a while I found out that I was wrong.  I found out from some other friends last year that apparently, someone thought I talked about her "too much".  Or that I did it for the attention.  Attention?  My kid died.  Imagine losing your kid.  If you haven't had this happen, the thoughts are something you push away, because you can't imagine it happening to you.   I was there once.  And now I am here.  Here amongst the other parents that have lost their most precious people.  It sucks.  And it's lonely.  And now the only thing I have are the memories of my little girl.  To have anyone say such horrible things to anyone about me (or anyone)  is shameful and horrible.  My heart is BROKEN.  It won't be fixed by another child, or time.  I live with it broken.  I move forward with my life.  It's hard.  It's harder than a divorce where you have to share custody of your kids.  It is.  It isn't the same at all.  That might be your biggest lost and it is no doubt a hard adjustment.  But imagine adjusting to going 7 fucking years without your child... and longer.  Your lifetime.

It's almost like people can be jealous of the attention I get because my kid died.  Trust me.  You can have the fucking attention.  We can trade places, I can have my kid back and you can have the attention you crave so badly.  Actually, I don't even wish that on you.  Because I am a human.  Who is compassionate and understands loss.

All I ever wanted was a friend.  I deserve the friends I have and I have worked for all my accomplishments.  So kiss off.  XOXO