I realized the other day what a jerk I have been.
I assume that all the negative, horrible people I have ever met in my life are the people I am meeting that day, in just different bodies. From the start, I assume the worst. I am not going to put on some rose-colored glasses and say that everyone loves me or finds me amazing, because I am an optimist that doesn't eliminate all the negative choices, I just generally chose to play up the positive ones. I see the negative and I know it's there.
But it isn't safe to assume that everyone feels the same way that a few shitty people I have met in my life, feel. In fact, if people knew I was thinking that, why would they give me a chance at all?
When I see someone who is new skating, I don't assume they suck. I just assume they need to work on things. Or maybe that is the best of their ability today. Kudos for them just getting their asses off the couch, it's hard to put yourself out there. Why wouldn't I think that most people are more like me? So when I need help with my skating skills, and people help me, instead of me feeling like I am being called out for being a shitty skater, I should know that they may just see potential or how I could do things better. The same way that I would do for anyone else.
When I assume that people don't like me, I start acting as if people don't like me. I appear closed off. I put up a wall. And it's a pretty good fricking wall. If there is one thing I do really freaking-all-balls-out-amazing, it's put up a wall. No one wants to be hurt. I am no stranger to that feeling. But I have been through the worst of shit and I have come out on top, where the air is fresh and life is beautiful.
Every time I realize I am doing it, I try to address it. And every time I do that, I get a little better at taking the wall down for longer.
"let feel one more time, what it feels like to feel and break these calluses off of me, one more time... " Someday, I will get it.
In the meantime, don't make assumptions about people. I got something in my email from "the universe". Telling me to treat everyone as if they are as brilliant as I am. Because quite honestly, in some way, they are. We all are.
Be shiny!
XOXO
Anja
Friday, March 22, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
We See You.
I moved to Florida, if you didn't know. I love it here. Traffic is crazy, but everything else is amazing. I have never moved more than an hour away from my family. Thank goodness for social media. You are never alone with FB. :p
I started with a new derby league, Tampa Bay Derby Darlins. They are an amazing, talented group of women, who I am learning a lot from. Last night was my third practice with them. As we pulled into the parking lot, I said again, to my husband, "I hate being late, getting here when it starts is still late, everyone else is on the floor, I don't want to draw attention to myself". I hate that. I have not gone to college classes, because I hate walking in late. That didn't do me or my grades any good, and the same holds true for derby. So I suck it up and go in anyway.
During practice (and other practices I have attended in my derby career) a skill would be introduced and then we would line up and do it. Some stuff I could do fairly well. Other things not so great. When it is your turn to do stuff, like many people, I feel as if I am on display and everyone is being hypercritical of what I am doing. Maybe a few are. But most. Like me, when I watch another skater, are trying to watch how the good ones do it, so I can try what they are doing and do it right! OR we see someone else do it like we do it, and feel relieved and willing to try. Either way, we learn from watching the other skaters. Most of the time, I am not watching even who the skater was. I mostly, just notice their feet and how they hold their body, or move. (For some reason, a picture pops into my mind about a shirt that says, "Quit talking to my boobs" HAHA)
At the end of practice, (Great practice, by the way, I love working skills and agility like we did.) a group of skaters were talking about paying dues and ins. She looked at me, and said, "Don't worry, we see you. You're trying." Taken in context this means nothing really, except that I need to pay my dues, and I won't get charged the late fee. I went home and didn't think anything of it. I went to bed.
This morning, I had a terrible nightmare. About my ex husband. I can't remember ever having such a vivid dream. It was like a movie. It ended with me shooting him. The whole dream, I was terrified that he was going to kill me, which was his goal in the dream, and I was scared that no one would remember me, and I won't be there for my kids and that I was just going to disappear. I didn't want to disappear.
I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPEAR.
Regardless of my attempts to blend in. To not be noticed... Wouldn't it be worse if I succeeded?
Those little words, "We see you. You are trying."
Thank goodness.
I started with a new derby league, Tampa Bay Derby Darlins. They are an amazing, talented group of women, who I am learning a lot from. Last night was my third practice with them. As we pulled into the parking lot, I said again, to my husband, "I hate being late, getting here when it starts is still late, everyone else is on the floor, I don't want to draw attention to myself". I hate that. I have not gone to college classes, because I hate walking in late. That didn't do me or my grades any good, and the same holds true for derby. So I suck it up and go in anyway.
During practice (and other practices I have attended in my derby career) a skill would be introduced and then we would line up and do it. Some stuff I could do fairly well. Other things not so great. When it is your turn to do stuff, like many people, I feel as if I am on display and everyone is being hypercritical of what I am doing. Maybe a few are. But most. Like me, when I watch another skater, are trying to watch how the good ones do it, so I can try what they are doing and do it right! OR we see someone else do it like we do it, and feel relieved and willing to try. Either way, we learn from watching the other skaters. Most of the time, I am not watching even who the skater was. I mostly, just notice their feet and how they hold their body, or move. (For some reason, a picture pops into my mind about a shirt that says, "Quit talking to my boobs" HAHA)
At the end of practice, (Great practice, by the way, I love working skills and agility like we did.) a group of skaters were talking about paying dues and ins. She looked at me, and said, "Don't worry, we see you. You're trying." Taken in context this means nothing really, except that I need to pay my dues, and I won't get charged the late fee. I went home and didn't think anything of it. I went to bed.
This morning, I had a terrible nightmare. About my ex husband. I can't remember ever having such a vivid dream. It was like a movie. It ended with me shooting him. The whole dream, I was terrified that he was going to kill me, which was his goal in the dream, and I was scared that no one would remember me, and I won't be there for my kids and that I was just going to disappear. I didn't want to disappear.
I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPEAR.
Regardless of my attempts to blend in. To not be noticed... Wouldn't it be worse if I succeeded?
Those little words, "We see you. You are trying."
Thank goodness.
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