We See You.

I moved to Florida, if you didn't know.  I love it here.  Traffic is crazy, but everything else is amazing.   I have never moved more than an hour away from my family.  Thank goodness for social media.  You are never alone with FB.  :p

I started with a new derby league, Tampa Bay Derby Darlins.  They are an amazing, talented group of women, who I am learning a lot from.  Last night was my third practice with them.  As we pulled into the parking lot, I said again, to my husband, "I hate being late, getting here when it starts is still late, everyone else is on the floor, I don't want to draw attention to myself".   I hate that.  I have not gone to college classes, because I hate walking in late.  That didn't do me or my grades any good, and the same holds true for derby.  So I suck it up and go in anyway.

During practice (and other practices I have attended in my derby career) a skill would be introduced and then we would line up and do it.  Some stuff I could do fairly well.  Other things not so great.   When it is your turn to do stuff, like many people, I feel as if I am on display and everyone is being hypercritical of what I am doing.  Maybe a few are.  But most.  Like me, when I watch another skater, are trying to watch how the good ones do it, so I can try what they are doing and do it right!  OR we see someone else do it like we do it, and feel relieved and willing to try.  Either way, we learn from watching the other skaters.  Most of the time, I am not watching even who the skater was.  I mostly, just notice their feet and how they hold their body, or move.  (For some reason, a picture pops into my mind about a shirt that says, "Quit talking to my boobs"  HAHA)

At the end of practice, (Great practice, by the way, I love working skills and agility like we did.) a group of skaters were talking about paying dues and ins.  She looked at me, and said, "Don't worry, we see you.  You're trying."  Taken in context this means nothing really, except that I need to pay my dues, and I won't get charged the late fee.  I went home and didn't think anything of it.  I went to bed.

This morning, I had a terrible nightmare.  About my ex husband.  I can't remember ever having such a vivid dream.  It was like a movie.  It ended with me shooting him.  The whole dream, I was terrified that he was going to kill me, which was his goal in the dream, and I was scared that no one would remember me, and I won't be there for my kids and that I was just going to disappear. I didn't want to disappear.

I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPEAR.

Regardless of my attempts to blend in.  To not be noticed...  Wouldn't it be worse if I succeeded?

Those little words, "We see you.  You are trying."

Thank goodness.