ASS U ME

I realized the other day what a jerk I have been.

I assume that all the negative, horrible people I have ever met in my life are the people I am meeting that day, in just different bodies.  From the start, I assume the worst.  I am not going to put on some rose-colored glasses and say that everyone loves me or finds me amazing, because I am an optimist that doesn't eliminate all the negative choices, I just generally chose to play up the positive ones.  I see the negative and I know it's there.

But it isn't safe to assume that everyone feels the same way that a few shitty people I have met in my life, feel.  In fact, if people knew I was thinking that, why would they give me a chance at all?

When I see someone who is new skating, I don't assume they suck.  I just assume they need to work on things.  Or maybe that is the best of their ability today.  Kudos for them just getting their asses off the couch, it's hard to put yourself out there.  Why wouldn't I think that most people are more like me?  So when I need help with my skating skills, and people help me, instead of me feeling like I am being called out for being a shitty skater, I should know that they may just see potential or how I could do things better.  The same way that I would do for anyone else.

When I assume that people don't like me, I start acting as if people don't like me.  I appear closed off.  I put up a wall. And it's a pretty good fricking wall.  If there is one thing I do really freaking-all-balls-out-amazing, it's put up a wall.  No one wants to be hurt.  I am no stranger to that feeling.  But I have been through the worst of shit and I have come out on top, where the air is fresh and life is beautiful.

Every time I realize I am doing it, I try to address it.  And every time I do that, I get a little better at taking the wall down for longer.

"let feel one more time, what it feels like to feel and break these calluses off of me, one more time... "  Someday, I will get it.

In the meantime, don't make assumptions about people.  I got something in my email from "the universe".  Telling me to treat everyone as if they are as brilliant as I am.  Because quite honestly, in some way, they are.  We all are. 

Be shiny!

XOXO
Anja

We See You.

I moved to Florida, if you didn't know.  I love it here.  Traffic is crazy, but everything else is amazing.   I have never moved more than an hour away from my family.  Thank goodness for social media.  You are never alone with FB.  :p

I started with a new derby league, Tampa Bay Derby Darlins.  They are an amazing, talented group of women, who I am learning a lot from.  Last night was my third practice with them.  As we pulled into the parking lot, I said again, to my husband, "I hate being late, getting here when it starts is still late, everyone else is on the floor, I don't want to draw attention to myself".   I hate that.  I have not gone to college classes, because I hate walking in late.  That didn't do me or my grades any good, and the same holds true for derby.  So I suck it up and go in anyway.

During practice (and other practices I have attended in my derby career) a skill would be introduced and then we would line up and do it.  Some stuff I could do fairly well.  Other things not so great.   When it is your turn to do stuff, like many people, I feel as if I am on display and everyone is being hypercritical of what I am doing.  Maybe a few are.  But most.  Like me, when I watch another skater, are trying to watch how the good ones do it, so I can try what they are doing and do it right!  OR we see someone else do it like we do it, and feel relieved and willing to try.  Either way, we learn from watching the other skaters.  Most of the time, I am not watching even who the skater was.  I mostly, just notice their feet and how they hold their body, or move.  (For some reason, a picture pops into my mind about a shirt that says, "Quit talking to my boobs"  HAHA)

At the end of practice, (Great practice, by the way, I love working skills and agility like we did.) a group of skaters were talking about paying dues and ins.  She looked at me, and said, "Don't worry, we see you.  You're trying."  Taken in context this means nothing really, except that I need to pay my dues, and I won't get charged the late fee.  I went home and didn't think anything of it.  I went to bed.

This morning, I had a terrible nightmare.  About my ex husband.  I can't remember ever having such a vivid dream.  It was like a movie.  It ended with me shooting him.  The whole dream, I was terrified that he was going to kill me, which was his goal in the dream, and I was scared that no one would remember me, and I won't be there for my kids and that I was just going to disappear. I didn't want to disappear.

I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPEAR.

Regardless of my attempts to blend in.  To not be noticed...  Wouldn't it be worse if I succeeded?

Those little words, "We see you.  You are trying."

Thank goodness.

Acceptance.

Ugh.  You know.  My life hasn't been a fairytale. I was lucky enough to have a family.  I have sisters, I have brothers, I still have both my parents.  We had enough.  There was something lacking though.

My mom grew up in a household with more than twice as many kids.  She was the second oldest.  Perhaps this post will cause controversy, but for me, it is a post of coming to terms with how someone's upbringing can affect generations after.  It's how I see it and how it has affected me.  Perhaps not the whole story.  How could it be?  Past generations.. didn't talk about stuff as openly as we do now.

Anyway,  a lot of responsibility was placed on my mom's shoulders at a young age.  She had to help with raising the family (All the older kids did, I suppose).  I know from having a larger family that even if you have the tools to do that... it's rough.  I can't imagine being a teenager.  I was discussing this with a friend the other day... and she pointed out... "that's the age when you are mean".  She is right.  My mom used whatever tools she had in her arsenal at the time to help raise her siblings... and when she moved out and had a family... she used those same tools, even if they didn't work the best, to raise us.  It's what she knew.  She harbored feelings towards me that are confusing to me as an adult.... and as a child, ugh.  If the conflict for certain behaviors in myself now, is any indication of the child I was... I can say, I was headstrong.  I was argumentative.  I was challenging.  But I was also smart.  I was beautiful.  And I have always the strength of a survivor.  I am sure she saw it.  She was just broken.  I know this... because I am also broken. 

She longed for a relationship with her mom that she could never have.  My grandma just didn't treat my mom the way my mom needed.  I don't know why.  We weren't close to that grandma.  I do know that there was years my mom would work and make presents for my grandma...and my grandma just didn't appreciate the efforts.  She would think of my mom last.  One year, my mom just really wanted this angel ornament that my grandma (appeared) to make everyone else.  I was like 13.  I remember it because my mom came home crying.  She just wanted to be loved and appreciated.  I remember thinking, I wish I could hug her and give her what she needed.  But I couldn't fill that spot for her.  That longing for that relationship.  That was my mom's loss.  When I was 23, my grandma died, and maybe since my mom has come to terms with that.  I'm not sure.

I do know, that this type of stuff is what shapes you as an adult.  How to be mom.  How to be a friend.  How to be a grandparent. How to be a partner to a spouse.  If you don't get the tools from your parents... you get them from other places... or make them up.

I know my mom loves me.  But I longed for that same relationship with my mom, that my mom wanted from her mom.  I don't hope for it to happen anymore... that closeness.  But it has made me very frustrated when working on my relationship with my kids.

Loss just isn't having a person die.  Sometimes, it is loss of a dream.  Or a relationship.  Grief works the same way.  And at some point you realize... it is what it is.  And you can either accept it and move past it... or you can continue to live your life there.  It doesn't mean that some days, your heart doesn't go there... it just means that more often than not, you see the gifts.  The things you do have.  The people that love you.  You have that.

Maybe this post makes no sense.  It's just my stuff in my head that holds me back.  That keeps me from being the mom I want.  The friend I want.  The person I want.  It's not an excuse.  It's the voice in my head, the hesitation to give it all.  Every time I get up and do what I want or need to anyway... I win.

XOXO
Anja

Athlete? Why yes, I think so.

A five years ago, decided to try out for the Detroit Derby Girls.  They were the only place I knew of that had derby in the area.  I got skates for Christmas that year, but I had just had a baby, so I waited to try out.  The next year  I bought all the equipment, I got what I wanted, because I KNEW I wanted to do this.  I was terribly out of shape, so I started going to open skates when I had time.   We had to go to this Derby U class that was held just days before tryouts.  I am not a small girl now.  I am not exactly young either.  But whatever, I went.  I had no clue that I was going to have to do "rock stars" and "180 turns" and whatever else they taught us that weekend.  But I do know this.  My quadriceps hated me by the day we had tryouts.  The day came. I showed up.  I gave everything I had, despite the fact that I could barely walk, two days after learning all these new things.  And I didn't make it.  Barely. 

I was upset that I didn't to start right then, but I didn't let that hold me back from working even harder to make up where I fell short for the next try out period.  Until...

My 2 year old was learning to ride a tricycle in our yard and I have 4 kids and at the time a home daycare.  I had this brilliant idea to practice crossovers in the driveway while the kids played outside.  My kid innocently drove right into my path.  I could see it coming.  I tried to decide if I should just hit the garage door or attempt to go around her.  I went for the later.  Unfortunately, her tricycle was the kind that had a handle on it, and when I skirted around her, it got caught on my pants, so I lifted it up.  She started to fall, so I put it back down, and promptly wiped out.  There was SO much ruckus with the kids running to help and Eliza crying that I didn't hear or feel anything much... and my only thought was "if I was playing in a game, I wouldn't be getting up."  There I lay on the pavement, surrounded by children, face down.  My [now husband] came running out and undid my gear, and I went into the house and got some ice.  Eliza, was OK, but screaming her head off that "mommy hurt me" with her dime sized abrasion to her knee.  Three hours later, I could tell something was wrong. I researched and I thought maybe it was my ACL. My knee was swelling up, pretty big, and it hurt to move in certain directions, but I could still walk on it.  I had free tickets to see Peter Murphy that night and decided not to go, since I didn't think I would be able to walk much.  This was a huge bummer.

I ignored my injury and even went skating a few times.  I started nursing school and my knee was STILL swollen, but seemed to be shrinking over time.  One day I stepped onto a 2 inch curb and I could feel the inside of my knee slip and I almost fell on my ass.  I decided to go to a sports medicine doctor.  Who called 2 hours after my MRI to ask if I was OK and refer me to another guy for surgery to repair my torn ACL.  2 days later, I had surgery.

Sept 2009

My doctor was the best. Both the regular sports doctor and the surgeon.  They didn't see just an out-of-shape nearly 40 year old.  They saw someone who had a spark, and when my doctor stated, "athletes like you, who have other responsibilities, like kids and jobs, need to have a strong repair".  I was taken back.  I thought, "ME?  An athlete?"  I could feel my face turn red.  He wanted to get me back to try out again, soon.  Skating within a few short months.  I think it was the first time, ever, anyone took my effort totally seriously and it made all the difference in my recovery and subsequent return to skating.

Fast forward, to today.  4 years later!  I never tried out again for DDG, I went with another league, but after a torn ACL,  broken patella,  broken tailbone and shin stress fractures, issues with high arches and 40 lbs lighter, I am actually playing. The more I play, the more serious I get about the sport.  The more serious I get about getting myself healthy.  Being an athlete is more than just being in great shape and at the top of your game.  It's a spark.  It's sheer will. It's working to your highest potential every day.  Not one great athlete was a star overnight.  They all started somewhere and this is where I began.  Have a great day!!

XOXO
Anja

Lucky Me.

So one day, a couple months ago, I came home from work and I said to my husband (not sure if he was even my husband at the time,) and said, "I think I am going to give up on the idea of going back to school, and focus on increasing my skills in derby instead".

Now for the average person that might sound ludicrous.  Some days it is even that way for me, and it's my idea.  The best part of this is that regardless of whether he was my husband or not... he didn't try to talk me out of it.  In fact, he just simply asked me more about the idea, and how I planned to achieve what I wanted.  And has been nothing but supportive of my every move.  Which is amazing.  I am so grateful.

I was listening to an MP3 about goal setting (Bonnie.D, of course) and she was talking about how it is hard to have a brand new idea and share it with someone.  More often than not, people don't know what to do with a brand new idea.  Many people would just say that my idea was crazy and irresponsible.  But it isn't like I am going to quit my job now, and pursue derby and leave the financial shit to him.  I mean we have 4 kids.  HAHA.

Anyway, This post is just about how happy and grateful I am to have such a fantastic guy to share my dreams and ideas with.  This next year I need to work on being the one he can also bounce off ideas.  Part of my change of focus is self-reflection in the areas that hold me back, from being the person I want to be and this is one area. Admission is the first step... He is a great role model, and I hope I can be as responsible with a brand new idea as he is.  I am one lucky girl.   Have a great night!!

Attitude is catching... spread a good one

Sunday, I was telling a few people about a life-changing moment that happened to me, during a game about 7 months ago.  I wanted to share this. The place isn't important.  But when you come across one person who is there to say the right thing, at the right time, it may make all the difference in their outlook and spark changes that cause them to live a happier life and spread happiness, too.  Like me.  Thank you, Jennifer, for being that person to me.

I have played in quite a few games since I started playing roller derby a few years ago.  Nearly always, it was the same people.  The same coaches, the same venue, everything the same.  Including my attitude.  I would totally lose my shit at the start of each game. I wasn't a huge fan of crowds, and I would question why I was still playing, if derby was for me,  and wonder "was I too old?"... and "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?".  I would threaten to leave, or throw up.. or pee myself.  I was a hot mess.  In one particular game we had a bench coach.  Usually we had one of the girls who was usually captain coaching us, but that was different too, she wasn't there.  I had a pulled groin.  I was anxious because the bench coach was someone I really respected in the derby community and I just wanted to be a good representation of my league.

The game started, and for the first time since I ever started playing with this group, there was a different energy, maybe it was just me... but I certainly felt it, and my team seemed like they were doing really playing to a potential, I hadn't seem them play before.  The bench coach had a level head and when the girls got off the track there was only feel good talk, and what we could try the next jam to keep the other team at bay and attempt to score more points.  After one particular jam, I got off the track and the bench coach happily yelled at ME, "Good Job!!!"  And hugged me.  I blurted out, "Thank you for not saying I sucked."  The look on her face, was as if I slapped her.  "You DON'T suck.", she said.  I happily skated away, and tried not to cry. 

The team played like a unit that day.  We didn't win.  But I honestly can say that it was the first game that I felt like we did.

I was listening to a Bonnie D. Stroir MP3 (http://shop.bonniedstroir.com/MP3-Downloads_c3.htm) about zen roller derby and I realized that this was what that was.  It was US playing to our fullest potential that day.  There was nothing like it.  We did ultimately win.  Because as Bonnie said, it didn't matter what the score was.  Playing to your fullest potential is winning.

After that day, I played in a couple more games with this same team and as it went on my attitude there got better.  I realize that sometimes there is someone there on the team that seems to bring out the not-so-great side of people.  And for me, this person was always there.  I started seriously considering playing elsewhere.  If, for one game, you could pull one person from the team, and replace them with someone who had a great attitude, who empowered you instead of making you feel like you couldn't do anything right... then why not find a team that had that vibe?  So you could all always reach your full potential.  I realized that I wanted that.  Eventually, I took a short break, and decided not to go back to my old league.  I found another league.  They may not be perfect, but they are definitely motivating and the coaching is inspired and done with heart.  They help me, bring out the best in me!  I feel like I am on my way to reaching my full potential.  I am inspired to even work harder to reach the next goal.  This has caused a push into my entire life, of positive energy, and I just want to share it with everyone!

I used to say this about my ex husband, but it applies here.  If you aren't with people that make you happy 95% of the time, then you need to find new people.  Sometimes, it's your attitude, but sometimes it isn't. While I was still at my old league I started making changes.  I had decided after that day to try to be happier and try new things.  Instead of letting the gossip and BS get to me.  I had a meeting with the person, and you know what?  It didn't make a difference because that person wasn't in the same place as me. I was disappointed. But that was OK.  I didn't need their validation in knowing I was right and doing the right thing.  I really just wanted to work together to fix the situation and if they didn't feel the same, what could I do, besides change where I was? I was nervous about making a change, but I wanted bigger changes... and sometimes stuff is scary.  If you don't take a risk, then you never will see the results you want.

So, check your SELF. - are you the problem?  Is there something you can change with your attitude that will make you happier?  That will make the people around you live up to their fullest potential?  If you do that, and you find that you still aren't getting what you need, LOOK AROUND YOU.  Is there one person who just seems to suck the life out of you?  You find yourself tuning them out, or worse, catch their negative attitude when you are around them?   BOTH of these things are important when considering where the problem is coming from.  But you only have control over one thing.  You, and how you respond to a situation. 

You can change your attitude and then if that isn't enough, switch the people around you.  It might make all the difference.  Remember... Attitude is catching....spread a good one! 

XOXO
Anja

Was that a challenge?

So I have been thinking about something a lot lately.  I have been putting forth a huge effort to try and stay positive, and move toward my full potential.  I was just reading an article about how surrounding yourself with people that have more will  power than you is catching... just like a bad attitude.  Good attitudes are catchy.  I also read that they found that obesity is somewhat like an attitude you can catch, too!  But I digress... 

While I love the results I am getting, a small part of me always feels this need to address this annoyance that seems to want to seep into my life.  I couldn't figure out what the problem was.  I feel like if someone does something against me or someone I love that my natural instinct is to jump right in and fight.  But after doing this a million times (maybe more!) I realize that no one wins when that happens.  I was certainly not backing down to the challenge and neither were they.  Then I realized something else.  It isn't a challenge.  A challenge to me isn't someone just doing some sneaky underhanded thing, in an attempt to "ruin my fun".  That's just an annoyance. 

That is something that I do on the track.  If one person seems to be keeping our jammer back, I will just try to stay on them and keep them busy.  I am being an annoyance.  I am keeping them from their full potential at keeping our jammer back, or I hope I am.  In life, though, that just doesn't seem to make sense.  If I spend my time, trying to find fault with other people, or looking for some reason to "get them into trouble" over the most inane rules, then I'm not just keeping them from fulfilling their full potential, I am keeping MYSELF from reaching MY full potential.  Because that is an awful lot of energy wasted on people that don't really affect me.  Imagine what I could do with that energy?  Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't bring to light obvious issues or issues where someone is going to get hurt.  But if in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't affect you, nor does it benefit you, then why on earth would you continue to do it?  Imagine all the wonderful stuff you could do with all that positive energy!!!

So for me, looking at all this, I realize...any time this happens isn't necessarily "a challenge", although, it absolutely is challenging for me by putting road blocks in the way for both of us. Like the awesome players I play against, they know how to shake that off and keep their task of getting their jammer through.  And whenever this happens in the future I know as long as I keep moving forward, keep my goals in mind and keep my feet moving... I am going to come out of this just fine.  I don't even ever have to do anything other than just mind my business and watch for the next thing in my life to celebrate. 

XOXO

This post brought to you by...

The last few weeks, I have been trying to decide what to do at work.  I love the unit I am on.  Scheduling works well with derby, and I love the people I work with.  My manager is the bomb.  My issue is that I feel like I need to be doing more to learn more.  So I started considering a move to another unit that had patients that had a higher acuity.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have severe anxiety issues.  I push myself past them regardless, but it doesn't keep me from the distracted, nervousness that goes along with anxiety.  So making a change is something I really consider from all aspects prior to doing it.  I decided to talk it out with a few of my co-workers that I trust.  The one thing that was said that has stuck with me for the past few days was..."I think it's funny that you are worried about looking stupid, but you aren't worried about hurting someone."  And yeah!  That is totally right.  I don't worry about hurting anyone, because I don't feel that I am unsafe in my practice.  I do worry that someone will yell at me and then I will become flustered and won't stick up for myself, or give them the wrong verbal answer.  I know that I have encountered other nurses or doctors that treat you like you are a moron, because you didn't know something, or because you did it a different way, or you missed something in your charting or whatever... but no one is perfect.  Not me, not them.  I can't just spend my life wishing that I was working in a more fulfilling position all because someone might tell me that I screwed up, or that I should have charted something I didn't.  That would be stupid and a waste of my life and talent.

So I applied to another position.  And if I don't get it, no harm, no foul.  And if I do... I will be nervous, but I will be learning and challenging myself.  And that matters to me more than someone calling me stupid. 

Use the Good China

I got married on Friday.  A "simple" backyard wedding.  HA!  Simple my ass. But, it didn't rain, it was hot, but not 100 degrees and it was nearly perfect, or so everyone thought.  We forgot to put out our thumbprint tree that Bud spent hours hand drawing so people could put their thumbprints on and I was planning on framing it.  Still trying to figure out how to drive around and have everyone leave their mark on it.  LOL 

We were surrounded by family and friends and I was bound to my best friend.  I guess you can't get more perfect than that. 

While shopping for this wedding, one detail we had was to buy china from thrift stores and use that as our plates (instead of paper).  It worked out really nice.  But finding all this stuff had me realizing that the good china I found for a song... the same stuff you get in your weddings, people spend hundreds on these place settings, and NEVER use it.  EVER.  Someone somewhere, maybe your grandmother, got this stuff and then left it in the china cabinet.  While I am happy to pick it up unused at a great price, I can look at it and feel like, "this is beautiful, I want to show it off somewhere" and of course, I don't want it to get broken!  I also look at the used stuff with lots of wear and think, "someone loved this."  It's still beautiful with all the wear. 

I feel as if it is like life.  A lot of people are afraid to take chances.  Afraid to love and get hurt, afraid to get involved with derby, afraid of failing at anything they really want to try.   They spend their days wishing it would all fall together, that some day something wonderful will happen and they will feel "right"... or like with the china, a special excuse to use it. 

So use the good china.  Use the good towels.  Use all your gifts.  Take chances.  You are worth a lot.  Don't spend your life up in a china cabinet or end up getting sold at the Salvation Army unused.