Taking on Uneccessary Crap.

So lately, I have been giving a few things some thought.  I noticed that while I long to have lots of people like me and want to spend time with me, or even just how I feel like I want to be included, I watch people in the inner circles of things and realize that they don't look happy there.  I know when I was in the circle, I wasn't either.  I am much happier where I am now.

Two months ago, we attended the Bonnie D. Stroir Clinic with A2D2 and while she had a lot to share on the track, she had a lot to say, too.  One of the things she talked about was not watching the jams you aren't in during a game.  This is what I always did, until one day, I didn't and started watching.  She suggested that not watching helps you keep your energy, so you aren't sucked into it, by another player"s bad jam.  Basically, you go to your zen place while on the bench. (Not if you are in the box, then you need to pay attention) and when your teammates get off the floor, you tell them they did a good job, regardless of the outcome.  I really liked this idea, and could see the benefit, I have been sharing it with everyone I played with since.

Today, I read an article in Scrubs Magazine. The article is called, "Are You Out of Control?"  By Elizabeth Farrell.  Interestingly, the article mentions something about this.  Say your kid gets a shot.  You FEEL the shot yourself.  That is "empathy pain" that we all have experienced at one time or another.  She said that it's "mirror neurons registering the pain".  To extend all this further, you can look at drama or gossip that you have had to deal with, and realize that it also "sucks the life out of you".  I think it is much the same thing.  I know that if I have to deal with a friend that tends to draw that kind of "excitement" I feel at times as if I am emotionally going through it too.  It is physically and mentally draining.  There are a couple of things you can do about this.  Like in the game, you need to mentally zone out, get out of there and literally think happy thoughts.  I think we would all benefit if we could just learn to meditate every day, when it is quiet and then when things are crazy, you will have a better grasp on finding that peace for a few minutes.

I know that this is what helps me, especially the last year.  Of course, identifying those toxic personalities helps, because you can prepare to not let it get to you.  You don't have to get rid of them as friends, and sometimes with teammates or co-workers you don't have a choice.  But you have control over how you react to the situation.

Hugs and Bruises. :) 

Use the Good China

I got married on Friday.  A "simple" backyard wedding.  HA!  Simple my ass. But, it didn't rain, it was hot, but not 100 degrees and it was nearly perfect, or so everyone thought.  We forgot to put out our thumbprint tree that Bud spent hours hand drawing so people could put their thumbprints on and I was planning on framing it.  Still trying to figure out how to drive around and have everyone leave their mark on it.  LOL 

We were surrounded by family and friends and I was bound to my best friend.  I guess you can't get more perfect than that. 

While shopping for this wedding, one detail we had was to buy china from thrift stores and use that as our plates (instead of paper).  It worked out really nice.  But finding all this stuff had me realizing that the good china I found for a song... the same stuff you get in your weddings, people spend hundreds on these place settings, and NEVER use it.  EVER.  Someone somewhere, maybe your grandmother, got this stuff and then left it in the china cabinet.  While I am happy to pick it up unused at a great price, I can look at it and feel like, "this is beautiful, I want to show it off somewhere" and of course, I don't want it to get broken!  I also look at the used stuff with lots of wear and think, "someone loved this."  It's still beautiful with all the wear. 

I feel as if it is like life.  A lot of people are afraid to take chances.  Afraid to love and get hurt, afraid to get involved with derby, afraid of failing at anything they really want to try.   They spend their days wishing it would all fall together, that some day something wonderful will happen and they will feel "right"... or like with the china, a special excuse to use it. 

So use the good china.  Use the good towels.  Use all your gifts.  Take chances.  You are worth a lot.  Don't spend your life up in a china cabinet or end up getting sold at the Salvation Army unused. 

Broken

Some days I feel so broken. 

That's all..

New Day. Starting Over.

Why is it when you are driving in the car, at least me... that I start to think of all the things that I want to write down?  I don't have a computer around me when I feel the urge to write, in fact, later on (like now) I have to make myself try to get it out.

I am often surprised, like many of us, about how people look at me.  What they think about me.  Some good, some bad.  I mean, I do believe that there is "a little truth to everything", usually.  So I can't say that what they think is false.  Let's take this example:

During a discussion with a co-worker, she was surprised to find out how deep my self-esteem problems went.  Here is the gist of the conversation.

Me:  Do you ever feel like no one will like you when you walk into a room.

Her:  [Enter horrified look]  No, actually, I never think that.

Me:  Oh.

Her:  I am surprised that you feel that way, since, you really come off like you don't care what people think.

Now, I get this is a plus.  I look like I am confident most times, like I am not interested if you have something shitty to say about me.  Well, it isn't true.  I care.  I spend a lot of time worrying, and caring.  I have also spent a good deal of my life cultivating the "to the world, Kim" to look as if she doesn't care.  How else would I be able to survive a childhood filled with people who didn't understand that they were sucking the self-esteem out of me.  Maybe that isn't the right way to put it.  But when are treated like an outcast, by those who are supposed to love you and care for you, after a while, you say to yourself, "FUCK YOU, you aren't going to get the best of me."  But truthfully, they get the best of me, because I spend a hell of a lot of time on it.

And let's reframe this.  It IS a good thing that I look like I don't really care what you think about me.  I succeeded at that.  Now I just have to make it so that I actually don't care.  To some extent it is healthy to care what people think about you, but when someone has shown you again and again that you aren't important.  They use you to help try to boost their own ego, even if it doesn't work, it's time to rethink who you are letting into your life.

I have recently let someone out of my life like that.  And I can honestly say, it made all the difference in my world.  There was part of me that identified with that person.  But not with the parts I like about me.  Now that she is gone, I need to notice what those parts are and make an effort to change those behaviors. 

I am worthy of happiness.  I have many good qualities.  No one is perfect.  But it doesn't stop there.  You can't just think that because no one is perfect and you put in a tiny effort and that is good enough.  If I have a negative thought about myself or someone else... then saying "No one is perfect" is just an excused to continue to the behavior.  I may not be perfect, I will never be perfect, but I am sure as hell not going to give up being a good person and finding the best in people. That can only lead me to find the best in myself.  I am not going to give up my quest to love myself and feel worthy of affection, love, hugs.  I deserve those things.  Everyone does.