Practice is for Practice.

A few months ago, I went to another skater and expressed concern that I was "holding others back" during some practices.  I was told to "keep trying, practice is for practice".

I thought about it, and that's totally true.  It's not just practice for your individual skills, it is practice for everyone, both individually and as a team.  So when I skate with a newer skater or someone I wouldn't prefer to skate with, I try to keep that in mind, and give feed back while we are doing a drill or whatever that helps them be a better skater.  And sometimes, it feels like it is at the expense of my own personal practice time.  But it isn't.  It is Anja getting to practice being a teammate and leader.  And I absolutely get out of it, what I put into it.

Every time you help a less experienced or someone who has trouble with a particular skill you are good at better their skills, you bring the whole team up.  It makes you look BETTER on the track.  Every time you make someone feel comfortable being able to practice up to their best ability, you win, they win.  We win as a team. And the opposite can be true.  Every time you decide that you don't like that person for whatever perceived or actual issue you have, and let that affect your attitude on the track, you, them and the team all lose for a second.

I've been really lucky that I have gotten feedback and encouragement and help from really great skaters, and honestly, I've gotten really great advice from skaters who are less experienced or don't really even like me.  I appreciate all of it.  Because if I am a better skater and teammate, then our practices are even better/harder because I am a better opponent during practice, which will in turn make everyone better skaters. When my teammates are better skaters, it helps make me work harder to be a better skater.  We are all connected.  Because it's a team.  We don't win games because our jammers know how to break down their own teammate's walls. We will win games when we teach our blockers how to stop us and we have to think differently.  We do this by learning as a team. 

Our individual skills on the track matter.  But derby is a team sport.  Our team skates at least twice a week for 2 hours, more if you are travel 11 months out of the year.  At a minimum you have roughly 192 HOURS of practice time.  If you are having trouble taking a two minute jam with a skater you don't like, or you feel isn't worth your practice time on a 15 minute drill, or whatever, the problem isn't them.  It's you.

Because practice, is for practice.

They are Always Watching.

I didn't make the B team.  For clarification, I am eligible, but my peers didn't choose me.  While I whined for a bit, and have worried since, the only "w" word, I should focus on here is "work".  So that's that.

Anya getting through the pack with Tampa Jr. Derby. 

I spent an afternoon, a few days later, with my daughter.  She also plays derby.  When I put myself down, she immediately tried to make me feel better.  Because that's the type of kid she is.  Taking that into consideration... She wants to be like me and she isn't going to want to keep working in that direction if I keep labeling myself as "A Loser" every time I make a mistake or feel like I had a poor practice, she is watching and listening.  If she makes those same mistakes, she is learning that she is also, "a loser".

That's the very last thing I want.  I don't even want her to aspire to me like me.  I want her to want MORE and it would be really hard for her to hit HER personal highest potential if I show her that I lack self-worth in the most important person.  Myself.  At some point she may think...'I can't [rap Slick Rick's Bedtime Story] as well as my mom, so I must suck at it, why bother trying'.  When really, it is just a lack of experience, or knowledge in how to do something. I want her to see that I have a passion to succeed and meet my personal goals.  I don't suck.  I just need to work harder to get where I want to be.  Perhaps, I won't meet every goal, but I try my damnedest to make it happen. I want her to see that.  In order for that to happen, I need to stop highlighting to her, to everyone and to myself, all the things I can't do.  I mean, why say, it?  We all know what we can't do. 

The draft for home teams is this week.  I can't say that I am not anxious about it.  I totally am.  I was passed by before, and passed by for the B team.  But you know what?  I would make a great addition to any of the teams there.  And if they don't see that, well, It won't stop me from shining and doing my best.  Because I am someone who doesn't give up on their dreams.

I hope my kids can see that.  And if they don't.  I need to change my behavior so they do.  I have that power. 

Athlete? Why yes, I think so.

A five years ago, decided to try out for the Detroit Derby Girls.  They were the only place I knew of that had derby in the area.  I got skates for Christmas that year, but I had just had a baby, so I waited to try out.  The next year  I bought all the equipment, I got what I wanted, because I KNEW I wanted to do this.  I was terribly out of shape, so I started going to open skates when I had time.   We had to go to this Derby U class that was held just days before tryouts.  I am not a small girl now.  I am not exactly young either.  But whatever, I went.  I had no clue that I was going to have to do "rock stars" and "180 turns" and whatever else they taught us that weekend.  But I do know this.  My quadriceps hated me by the day we had tryouts.  The day came. I showed up.  I gave everything I had, despite the fact that I could barely walk, two days after learning all these new things.  And I didn't make it.  Barely. 

I was upset that I didn't to start right then, but I didn't let that hold me back from working even harder to make up where I fell short for the next try out period.  Until...

My 2 year old was learning to ride a tricycle in our yard and I have 4 kids and at the time a home daycare.  I had this brilliant idea to practice crossovers in the driveway while the kids played outside.  My kid innocently drove right into my path.  I could see it coming.  I tried to decide if I should just hit the garage door or attempt to go around her.  I went for the later.  Unfortunately, her tricycle was the kind that had a handle on it, and when I skirted around her, it got caught on my pants, so I lifted it up.  She started to fall, so I put it back down, and promptly wiped out.  There was SO much ruckus with the kids running to help and Eliza crying that I didn't hear or feel anything much... and my only thought was "if I was playing in a game, I wouldn't be getting up."  There I lay on the pavement, surrounded by children, face down.  My [now husband] came running out and undid my gear, and I went into the house and got some ice.  Eliza, was OK, but screaming her head off that "mommy hurt me" with her dime sized abrasion to her knee.  Three hours later, I could tell something was wrong. I researched and I thought maybe it was my ACL. My knee was swelling up, pretty big, and it hurt to move in certain directions, but I could still walk on it.  I had free tickets to see Peter Murphy that night and decided not to go, since I didn't think I would be able to walk much.  This was a huge bummer.

I ignored my injury and even went skating a few times.  I started nursing school and my knee was STILL swollen, but seemed to be shrinking over time.  One day I stepped onto a 2 inch curb and I could feel the inside of my knee slip and I almost fell on my ass.  I decided to go to a sports medicine doctor.  Who called 2 hours after my MRI to ask if I was OK and refer me to another guy for surgery to repair my torn ACL.  2 days later, I had surgery.

Sept 2009

My doctor was the best. Both the regular sports doctor and the surgeon.  They didn't see just an out-of-shape nearly 40 year old.  They saw someone who had a spark, and when my doctor stated, "athletes like you, who have other responsibilities, like kids and jobs, need to have a strong repair".  I was taken back.  I thought, "ME?  An athlete?"  I could feel my face turn red.  He wanted to get me back to try out again, soon.  Skating within a few short months.  I think it was the first time, ever, anyone took my effort totally seriously and it made all the difference in my recovery and subsequent return to skating.

Fast forward, to today.  4 years later!  I never tried out again for DDG, I went with another league, but after a torn ACL,  broken patella,  broken tailbone and shin stress fractures, issues with high arches and 40 lbs lighter, I am actually playing. The more I play, the more serious I get about the sport.  The more serious I get about getting myself healthy.  Being an athlete is more than just being in great shape and at the top of your game.  It's a spark.  It's sheer will. It's working to your highest potential every day.  Not one great athlete was a star overnight.  They all started somewhere and this is where I began.  Have a great day!!

XOXO
Anja

Lucky Me.

So one day, a couple months ago, I came home from work and I said to my husband (not sure if he was even my husband at the time,) and said, "I think I am going to give up on the idea of going back to school, and focus on increasing my skills in derby instead".

Now for the average person that might sound ludicrous.  Some days it is even that way for me, and it's my idea.  The best part of this is that regardless of whether he was my husband or not... he didn't try to talk me out of it.  In fact, he just simply asked me more about the idea, and how I planned to achieve what I wanted.  And has been nothing but supportive of my every move.  Which is amazing.  I am so grateful.

I was listening to an MP3 about goal setting (Bonnie.D, of course) and she was talking about how it is hard to have a brand new idea and share it with someone.  More often than not, people don't know what to do with a brand new idea.  Many people would just say that my idea was crazy and irresponsible.  But it isn't like I am going to quit my job now, and pursue derby and leave the financial shit to him.  I mean we have 4 kids.  HAHA.

Anyway, This post is just about how happy and grateful I am to have such a fantastic guy to share my dreams and ideas with.  This next year I need to work on being the one he can also bounce off ideas.  Part of my change of focus is self-reflection in the areas that hold me back, from being the person I want to be and this is one area. Admission is the first step... He is a great role model, and I hope I can be as responsible with a brand new idea as he is.  I am one lucky girl.   Have a great night!!

Changing My Thought Process in the Game

Recently, I was sitting on the bench, waiting for the next jam, and I got this panicked feeling.  In my head, I was thinking to myself, "I should sit this one out, I will never measure up to the awesome girls I am skating with.  I shouldn't even be on the same track as them".   The second the thoughts popped up, I was like, "What the hell is wrong with me?"  And I have to wonder, where does that shit come from?  It's probably a lot of habit.  It's probably some influence from other sources, my childhood, or bad experiences with peers, etc.  But it is totally up to me to stop that type of thinking.

A few days later at practice, I was telling another skater, how I beat myself up each time the jammer goes by me in a game.  As I am saying it aloud and thinking how silly it is, I also start to point out other things... like the fact that the jammer goes by nearly everyone on the track.  It's the nature of the game.  Sometimes the jammer is just awesome.  Sometimes, your effort or sight is focused elsewhere.      But it seems silly to blame myself, since there are 3 other blockers on the track.  They are all just as responsible as I am.  We are working together as a team.  Or we should be!  I can't possibly be solely responsible for the jammer each time she makes it around the track.  

Then shortly after that, I was waiting my turn for a drill.  My turn to play the jammer.  I am up against 3 opposing blockers.  Great!  I skate up to the wall.  I bust through them.  And then attempt to skate as hard as I can to get 20 feet out.  Now, I am not great at part of this.  I am pretty good at busting up a wall, and getting in front, but I am not so good at maintaining speed or picking up speed when being chased!  

I kicked my imaginary puppy (named, ES, for self-esteem. I know, it's backwards) all the way home.  ES took quite the beating.  Later that night I logged into my online account and started reading a blog post from Active Happiness.  The 3rd point they made was  you don't have to be good at everything.  You don't have to spend all your time focused on getting better at what you can't do.  Totally right, and perfectly timed. It is sometimes more helpful to focus on your strengths, to MINIMIZE your weaknesses.  

So if I reframe my practice, I can say that I went in and I busted up that wall, and I got out in front.  Those are all GREAT things!  In fact, my job as a blocker NEEDS those things.  It would be helpful to burst into the front and into the opposing jammer if necessary, but right now, I can focus on that I can get through them, and bust them up.  And the more efficiently I can do it, the better I can help my own jammer get through!  This doesn't mean that I don't give my all when preforming the drill.   I will continue to try to race away from the opposing team, and get 20 feet out.  Hell, sometimes I even make it.  I am happy that I have teammates that provide a challenge and allow us to work on developing those skills.   But I am pretty happy with what I can do.  Yay me!  

ES prefers me to feel good about myself, and what I can do.  My friends prefer that side of me, too.  And it is the best example to give the kids.  So I continue that challenge.  Maybe someday it won't be much of challenge.  But right now, it is an every day thing.  I am happy that I am providing myself with resources to work on ES.  I deserve it.  And so do you.  Have a great day!! 

XOXO,

Anja

Attitude is catching... spread a good one

Sunday, I was telling a few people about a life-changing moment that happened to me, during a game about 7 months ago.  I wanted to share this. The place isn't important.  But when you come across one person who is there to say the right thing, at the right time, it may make all the difference in their outlook and spark changes that cause them to live a happier life and spread happiness, too.  Like me.  Thank you, Jennifer, for being that person to me.

I have played in quite a few games since I started playing roller derby a few years ago.  Nearly always, it was the same people.  The same coaches, the same venue, everything the same.  Including my attitude.  I would totally lose my shit at the start of each game. I wasn't a huge fan of crowds, and I would question why I was still playing, if derby was for me,  and wonder "was I too old?"... and "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?".  I would threaten to leave, or throw up.. or pee myself.  I was a hot mess.  In one particular game we had a bench coach.  Usually we had one of the girls who was usually captain coaching us, but that was different too, she wasn't there.  I had a pulled groin.  I was anxious because the bench coach was someone I really respected in the derby community and I just wanted to be a good representation of my league.

The game started, and for the first time since I ever started playing with this group, there was a different energy, maybe it was just me... but I certainly felt it, and my team seemed like they were doing really playing to a potential, I hadn't seem them play before.  The bench coach had a level head and when the girls got off the track there was only feel good talk, and what we could try the next jam to keep the other team at bay and attempt to score more points.  After one particular jam, I got off the track and the bench coach happily yelled at ME, "Good Job!!!"  And hugged me.  I blurted out, "Thank you for not saying I sucked."  The look on her face, was as if I slapped her.  "You DON'T suck.", she said.  I happily skated away, and tried not to cry. 

The team played like a unit that day.  We didn't win.  But I honestly can say that it was the first game that I felt like we did.

I was listening to a Bonnie D. Stroir MP3 (http://shop.bonniedstroir.com/MP3-Downloads_c3.htm) about zen roller derby and I realized that this was what that was.  It was US playing to our fullest potential that day.  There was nothing like it.  We did ultimately win.  Because as Bonnie said, it didn't matter what the score was.  Playing to your fullest potential is winning.

After that day, I played in a couple more games with this same team and as it went on my attitude there got better.  I realize that sometimes there is someone there on the team that seems to bring out the not-so-great side of people.  And for me, this person was always there.  I started seriously considering playing elsewhere.  If, for one game, you could pull one person from the team, and replace them with someone who had a great attitude, who empowered you instead of making you feel like you couldn't do anything right... then why not find a team that had that vibe?  So you could all always reach your full potential.  I realized that I wanted that.  Eventually, I took a short break, and decided not to go back to my old league.  I found another league.  They may not be perfect, but they are definitely motivating and the coaching is inspired and done with heart.  They help me, bring out the best in me!  I feel like I am on my way to reaching my full potential.  I am inspired to even work harder to reach the next goal.  This has caused a push into my entire life, of positive energy, and I just want to share it with everyone!

I used to say this about my ex husband, but it applies here.  If you aren't with people that make you happy 95% of the time, then you need to find new people.  Sometimes, it's your attitude, but sometimes it isn't. While I was still at my old league I started making changes.  I had decided after that day to try to be happier and try new things.  Instead of letting the gossip and BS get to me.  I had a meeting with the person, and you know what?  It didn't make a difference because that person wasn't in the same place as me. I was disappointed. But that was OK.  I didn't need their validation in knowing I was right and doing the right thing.  I really just wanted to work together to fix the situation and if they didn't feel the same, what could I do, besides change where I was? I was nervous about making a change, but I wanted bigger changes... and sometimes stuff is scary.  If you don't take a risk, then you never will see the results you want.

So, check your SELF. - are you the problem?  Is there something you can change with your attitude that will make you happier?  That will make the people around you live up to their fullest potential?  If you do that, and you find that you still aren't getting what you need, LOOK AROUND YOU.  Is there one person who just seems to suck the life out of you?  You find yourself tuning them out, or worse, catch their negative attitude when you are around them?   BOTH of these things are important when considering where the problem is coming from.  But you only have control over one thing.  You, and how you respond to a situation. 

You can change your attitude and then if that isn't enough, switch the people around you.  It might make all the difference.  Remember... Attitude is catching....spread a good one! 

XOXO
Anja

Was that a challenge?

So I have been thinking about something a lot lately.  I have been putting forth a huge effort to try and stay positive, and move toward my full potential.  I was just reading an article about how surrounding yourself with people that have more will  power than you is catching... just like a bad attitude.  Good attitudes are catchy.  I also read that they found that obesity is somewhat like an attitude you can catch, too!  But I digress... 

While I love the results I am getting, a small part of me always feels this need to address this annoyance that seems to want to seep into my life.  I couldn't figure out what the problem was.  I feel like if someone does something against me or someone I love that my natural instinct is to jump right in and fight.  But after doing this a million times (maybe more!) I realize that no one wins when that happens.  I was certainly not backing down to the challenge and neither were they.  Then I realized something else.  It isn't a challenge.  A challenge to me isn't someone just doing some sneaky underhanded thing, in an attempt to "ruin my fun".  That's just an annoyance. 

That is something that I do on the track.  If one person seems to be keeping our jammer back, I will just try to stay on them and keep them busy.  I am being an annoyance.  I am keeping them from their full potential at keeping our jammer back, or I hope I am.  In life, though, that just doesn't seem to make sense.  If I spend my time, trying to find fault with other people, or looking for some reason to "get them into trouble" over the most inane rules, then I'm not just keeping them from fulfilling their full potential, I am keeping MYSELF from reaching MY full potential.  Because that is an awful lot of energy wasted on people that don't really affect me.  Imagine what I could do with that energy?  Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't bring to light obvious issues or issues where someone is going to get hurt.  But if in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't affect you, nor does it benefit you, then why on earth would you continue to do it?  Imagine all the wonderful stuff you could do with all that positive energy!!!

So for me, looking at all this, I realize...any time this happens isn't necessarily "a challenge", although, it absolutely is challenging for me by putting road blocks in the way for both of us. Like the awesome players I play against, they know how to shake that off and keep their task of getting their jammer through.  And whenever this happens in the future I know as long as I keep moving forward, keep my goals in mind and keep my feet moving... I am going to come out of this just fine.  I don't even ever have to do anything other than just mind my business and watch for the next thing in my life to celebrate. 

XOXO

We all need to feel loved, appreciated and ACCEPTED!

I have some amazing co-workers, I really do.  The other night I was working with someone I don't know real well.  She is super sweet.  She has lots of experience. She seems overwhelmed at times but don't we all?  No matter how much I try to help, I feel like it isn't enough.  I was having issues feeling like I wasn't helping enough, and it was causing me some guilt.   She does get the job done and she is super detailed oriented and caring.   But it does cause me stress to work with her.  I just don't know what to do!   Another co-worker came in and I said, "I just don't' know how to help".  Her advice was, "you can't help her, just let her do her thing." I was totally taken aback by that, because she is totally right.  Actually, it is helping her by "letting her do her thing."  What she needs probably isn't physical help, although sometimes we all do.  What she needs is acceptance of "This is how I do it!", it may not be the *best* way to go about the job, but that isn't my call.  My job as her co-worker is just to help give her the support she needs to live up to her full potential!

It was like an epiphany!  It isn't that people only need to feel loved and appreciated.  They need to be accepted for where they are, and who they are.  I can totally apply this to my life, my family and to roller derby.  There are some skaters that just aren't "there".  They are doing the best they can with the skills they have.  Mental and physical skills.  You can see the potential, they just have to get to the point where they are willing to step outside of their current way of thinking and decide they are going to do it another way.  That's totally ok.

Tonight we scrimmaged with another league and I had a good time.  I also see that I am in a different place when it comes to what my body and brain do when I am on the track.  It isn't bad for anyone.  I think I just need more practice, practicing with this group of girls.  But it was awesome watching what they can do!  It is important to also accept myself for where I am and I am happy to have the opportunity to play with such a spirited group!  I really worked on trying to keep my positive attitude going, I am really the type to think, "oh, I played like shit, I am not hitting as much as I want", but you know what?  I did do a good job with positional blocking.  And I left with my positive attitude in check.  not one time did I say, "I want to leave."  I did say to myself, "what was I thinking coming here?"  Instead of my usual continuing to beat myself up for being so stupid to get into this position, I kept saying all the things I wanted to gain from scrimmaging tonight.  It seemed like a much better plan and it really helped me!

We all want to feel loved.  We all need to be appreciated.  And we all need to feel accepted by those who are close to us.  If you have some crazy ass way of dealing, and it works for you, then GREAT!  If there is something I can do to make it better, then let me know, I am totally willing to help.  If I can do something better, please tell me.  I can't promise to do exactly that, but I can promise that I care enough to not be doing something that you might find to be jerky or rude.

Well, enough about all this... until next time!

XOXO,
Anja