Attitude is catching... spread a good one

Sunday, I was telling a few people about a life-changing moment that happened to me, during a game about 7 months ago.  I wanted to share this. The place isn't important.  But when you come across one person who is there to say the right thing, at the right time, it may make all the difference in their outlook and spark changes that cause them to live a happier life and spread happiness, too.  Like me.  Thank you, Jennifer, for being that person to me.

I have played in quite a few games since I started playing roller derby a few years ago.  Nearly always, it was the same people.  The same coaches, the same venue, everything the same.  Including my attitude.  I would totally lose my shit at the start of each game. I wasn't a huge fan of crowds, and I would question why I was still playing, if derby was for me,  and wonder "was I too old?"... and "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?".  I would threaten to leave, or throw up.. or pee myself.  I was a hot mess.  In one particular game we had a bench coach.  Usually we had one of the girls who was usually captain coaching us, but that was different too, she wasn't there.  I had a pulled groin.  I was anxious because the bench coach was someone I really respected in the derby community and I just wanted to be a good representation of my league.

The game started, and for the first time since I ever started playing with this group, there was a different energy, maybe it was just me... but I certainly felt it, and my team seemed like they were doing really playing to a potential, I hadn't seem them play before.  The bench coach had a level head and when the girls got off the track there was only feel good talk, and what we could try the next jam to keep the other team at bay and attempt to score more points.  After one particular jam, I got off the track and the bench coach happily yelled at ME, "Good Job!!!"  And hugged me.  I blurted out, "Thank you for not saying I sucked."  The look on her face, was as if I slapped her.  "You DON'T suck.", she said.  I happily skated away, and tried not to cry. 

The team played like a unit that day.  We didn't win.  But I honestly can say that it was the first game that I felt like we did.

I was listening to a Bonnie D. Stroir MP3 (http://shop.bonniedstroir.com/MP3-Downloads_c3.htm) about zen roller derby and I realized that this was what that was.  It was US playing to our fullest potential that day.  There was nothing like it.  We did ultimately win.  Because as Bonnie said, it didn't matter what the score was.  Playing to your fullest potential is winning.

After that day, I played in a couple more games with this same team and as it went on my attitude there got better.  I realize that sometimes there is someone there on the team that seems to bring out the not-so-great side of people.  And for me, this person was always there.  I started seriously considering playing elsewhere.  If, for one game, you could pull one person from the team, and replace them with someone who had a great attitude, who empowered you instead of making you feel like you couldn't do anything right... then why not find a team that had that vibe?  So you could all always reach your full potential.  I realized that I wanted that.  Eventually, I took a short break, and decided not to go back to my old league.  I found another league.  They may not be perfect, but they are definitely motivating and the coaching is inspired and done with heart.  They help me, bring out the best in me!  I feel like I am on my way to reaching my full potential.  I am inspired to even work harder to reach the next goal.  This has caused a push into my entire life, of positive energy, and I just want to share it with everyone!

I used to say this about my ex husband, but it applies here.  If you aren't with people that make you happy 95% of the time, then you need to find new people.  Sometimes, it's your attitude, but sometimes it isn't. While I was still at my old league I started making changes.  I had decided after that day to try to be happier and try new things.  Instead of letting the gossip and BS get to me.  I had a meeting with the person, and you know what?  It didn't make a difference because that person wasn't in the same place as me. I was disappointed. But that was OK.  I didn't need their validation in knowing I was right and doing the right thing.  I really just wanted to work together to fix the situation and if they didn't feel the same, what could I do, besides change where I was? I was nervous about making a change, but I wanted bigger changes... and sometimes stuff is scary.  If you don't take a risk, then you never will see the results you want.

So, check your SELF. - are you the problem?  Is there something you can change with your attitude that will make you happier?  That will make the people around you live up to their fullest potential?  If you do that, and you find that you still aren't getting what you need, LOOK AROUND YOU.  Is there one person who just seems to suck the life out of you?  You find yourself tuning them out, or worse, catch their negative attitude when you are around them?   BOTH of these things are important when considering where the problem is coming from.  But you only have control over one thing.  You, and how you respond to a situation. 

You can change your attitude and then if that isn't enough, switch the people around you.  It might make all the difference.  Remember... Attitude is catching....spread a good one! 

XOXO
Anja

Was that a challenge?

So I have been thinking about something a lot lately.  I have been putting forth a huge effort to try and stay positive, and move toward my full potential.  I was just reading an article about how surrounding yourself with people that have more will  power than you is catching... just like a bad attitude.  Good attitudes are catchy.  I also read that they found that obesity is somewhat like an attitude you can catch, too!  But I digress... 

While I love the results I am getting, a small part of me always feels this need to address this annoyance that seems to want to seep into my life.  I couldn't figure out what the problem was.  I feel like if someone does something against me or someone I love that my natural instinct is to jump right in and fight.  But after doing this a million times (maybe more!) I realize that no one wins when that happens.  I was certainly not backing down to the challenge and neither were they.  Then I realized something else.  It isn't a challenge.  A challenge to me isn't someone just doing some sneaky underhanded thing, in an attempt to "ruin my fun".  That's just an annoyance. 

That is something that I do on the track.  If one person seems to be keeping our jammer back, I will just try to stay on them and keep them busy.  I am being an annoyance.  I am keeping them from their full potential at keeping our jammer back, or I hope I am.  In life, though, that just doesn't seem to make sense.  If I spend my time, trying to find fault with other people, or looking for some reason to "get them into trouble" over the most inane rules, then I'm not just keeping them from fulfilling their full potential, I am keeping MYSELF from reaching MY full potential.  Because that is an awful lot of energy wasted on people that don't really affect me.  Imagine what I could do with that energy?  Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't bring to light obvious issues or issues where someone is going to get hurt.  But if in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't affect you, nor does it benefit you, then why on earth would you continue to do it?  Imagine all the wonderful stuff you could do with all that positive energy!!!

So for me, looking at all this, I realize...any time this happens isn't necessarily "a challenge", although, it absolutely is challenging for me by putting road blocks in the way for both of us. Like the awesome players I play against, they know how to shake that off and keep their task of getting their jammer through.  And whenever this happens in the future I know as long as I keep moving forward, keep my goals in mind and keep my feet moving... I am going to come out of this just fine.  I don't even ever have to do anything other than just mind my business and watch for the next thing in my life to celebrate. 

XOXO

We all need to feel loved, appreciated and ACCEPTED!

I have some amazing co-workers, I really do.  The other night I was working with someone I don't know real well.  She is super sweet.  She has lots of experience. She seems overwhelmed at times but don't we all?  No matter how much I try to help, I feel like it isn't enough.  I was having issues feeling like I wasn't helping enough, and it was causing me some guilt.   She does get the job done and she is super detailed oriented and caring.   But it does cause me stress to work with her.  I just don't know what to do!   Another co-worker came in and I said, "I just don't' know how to help".  Her advice was, "you can't help her, just let her do her thing." I was totally taken aback by that, because she is totally right.  Actually, it is helping her by "letting her do her thing."  What she needs probably isn't physical help, although sometimes we all do.  What she needs is acceptance of "This is how I do it!", it may not be the *best* way to go about the job, but that isn't my call.  My job as her co-worker is just to help give her the support she needs to live up to her full potential!

It was like an epiphany!  It isn't that people only need to feel loved and appreciated.  They need to be accepted for where they are, and who they are.  I can totally apply this to my life, my family and to roller derby.  There are some skaters that just aren't "there".  They are doing the best they can with the skills they have.  Mental and physical skills.  You can see the potential, they just have to get to the point where they are willing to step outside of their current way of thinking and decide they are going to do it another way.  That's totally ok.

Tonight we scrimmaged with another league and I had a good time.  I also see that I am in a different place when it comes to what my body and brain do when I am on the track.  It isn't bad for anyone.  I think I just need more practice, practicing with this group of girls.  But it was awesome watching what they can do!  It is important to also accept myself for where I am and I am happy to have the opportunity to play with such a spirited group!  I really worked on trying to keep my positive attitude going, I am really the type to think, "oh, I played like shit, I am not hitting as much as I want", but you know what?  I did do a good job with positional blocking.  And I left with my positive attitude in check.  not one time did I say, "I want to leave."  I did say to myself, "what was I thinking coming here?"  Instead of my usual continuing to beat myself up for being so stupid to get into this position, I kept saying all the things I wanted to gain from scrimmaging tonight.  It seemed like a much better plan and it really helped me!

We all want to feel loved.  We all need to be appreciated.  And we all need to feel accepted by those who are close to us.  If you have some crazy ass way of dealing, and it works for you, then GREAT!  If there is something I can do to make it better, then let me know, I am totally willing to help.  If I can do something better, please tell me.  I can't promise to do exactly that, but I can promise that I care enough to not be doing something that you might find to be jerky or rude.

Well, enough about all this... until next time!

XOXO,
Anja

Sister You Know My Heart's Been Broken...

My daughter died 7 years ago.  7 long years.  She has now been dead as long as I had her as an only.  I joined derby because it was an awesome way for me to get my feelings out.  Meet people.  Not feel so alone. It worked for a time.

Emerald was a huge (obviously) part of my life.  Huge.  I will always talk about her.  I thought that it was always safe to talk about her, but after a while I found out that I was wrong.  I found out from some other friends last year that apparently, someone thought I talked about her "too much".  Or that I did it for the attention.  Attention?  My kid died.  Imagine losing your kid.  If you haven't had this happen, the thoughts are something you push away, because you can't imagine it happening to you.   I was there once.  And now I am here.  Here amongst the other parents that have lost their most precious people.  It sucks.  And it's lonely.  And now the only thing I have are the memories of my little girl.  To have anyone say such horrible things to anyone about me (or anyone)  is shameful and horrible.  My heart is BROKEN.  It won't be fixed by another child, or time.  I live with it broken.  I move forward with my life.  It's hard.  It's harder than a divorce where you have to share custody of your kids.  It is.  It isn't the same at all.  That might be your biggest lost and it is no doubt a hard adjustment.  But imagine adjusting to going 7 fucking years without your child... and longer.  Your lifetime.

It's almost like people can be jealous of the attention I get because my kid died.  Trust me.  You can have the fucking attention.  We can trade places, I can have my kid back and you can have the attention you crave so badly.  Actually, I don't even wish that on you.  Because I am a human.  Who is compassionate and understands loss.

All I ever wanted was a friend.  I deserve the friends I have and I have worked for all my accomplishments.  So kiss off.  XOXO

This post brought to you by...

The last few weeks, I have been trying to decide what to do at work.  I love the unit I am on.  Scheduling works well with derby, and I love the people I work with.  My manager is the bomb.  My issue is that I feel like I need to be doing more to learn more.  So I started considering a move to another unit that had patients that had a higher acuity.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have severe anxiety issues.  I push myself past them regardless, but it doesn't keep me from the distracted, nervousness that goes along with anxiety.  So making a change is something I really consider from all aspects prior to doing it.  I decided to talk it out with a few of my co-workers that I trust.  The one thing that was said that has stuck with me for the past few days was..."I think it's funny that you are worried about looking stupid, but you aren't worried about hurting someone."  And yeah!  That is totally right.  I don't worry about hurting anyone, because I don't feel that I am unsafe in my practice.  I do worry that someone will yell at me and then I will become flustered and won't stick up for myself, or give them the wrong verbal answer.  I know that I have encountered other nurses or doctors that treat you like you are a moron, because you didn't know something, or because you did it a different way, or you missed something in your charting or whatever... but no one is perfect.  Not me, not them.  I can't just spend my life wishing that I was working in a more fulfilling position all because someone might tell me that I screwed up, or that I should have charted something I didn't.  That would be stupid and a waste of my life and talent.

So I applied to another position.  And if I don't get it, no harm, no foul.  And if I do... I will be nervous, but I will be learning and challenging myself.  And that matters to me more than someone calling me stupid.