From January to now, I have lost 61 lbs. I'm still planning to lose about 29 more. In January, I weighed in at 235 lbs and I was gaining rapidly. I currently weight 174 lbs. I'd like to say that it was easy. But while it's been pretty easy to follow the plan, the mind games I play with myself haven't been easy.
A lot of this is due to complicated and confusing issues in society. Right now there is a big push for accepting yourself at whatever size you are. In fact, I feel it so much as a bigger person, I feel like I should join in. I feel like my curves (and fat) are my business. I do. I really feel that it's true. But sometimes, I think that this image doesn't take into consideration how I feel about myself. Yep, I know that I am still beautiful at 235 lbs. I've never been shamed (until this week) for it, and I have never had trouble finding people to date me whom I also found attractive. So it seemed like society thought I was beautiful, I participate in a sport that is super inclusive and allows me to use my body at any size and still feel like I belong there, and I was in a happy, healthy wonderful relationship. My body gave me 4 great kids, the list goes on. So what was wrong?
Well, nothing really. Except I wasn't happy when I looked in the mirror. I felt old. I was tired of using so much effort just to get off the floor when I fell during skating. I was starting to tell myself that I needed to give in and just be old, and satisfied with where I was at. It was stressing me out. Every time I ate something, I felt guilty. Not because it was delicious, not because I was indulging, not because I felt shamed. But because I didn't want to be that size and it was in the back of my mind that being satisfied at 235# wasn't my goal or how I saw myself. Society was mostly fine with my size, but I wasn't. And that's OK, too.
It's OK not to be satisfied. I can accept that I'm still a great person at any weight. Because that's true. But I can be a great weight at whatever weight I decide. Self acceptance doesn't mean that you have to be satisfied with wherever you are. It just means that you acknowledge your SELF WORTH.
Right now, I feel pretty good. The inflammation I was feeling is nearly gone. My joints feel like they did when I was 25. My asthma is better and I feel like I have a lot more energy every day. A lot of this is due to the fact that I took all sugar, starches and starchy vegetables out of my diet. Who knew that was increasing my inflammation?! My skating is improved, I feel like I have more control over my body. My goal is to lose these last 29 lbs. Yes, I'm happy that I've gotten this far. Yes, I feel good and I think I look pretty great most of the time, I still can acknowledge all that and still strive to go where I want to go. And that's OK, too.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Practice is for Practice.
A few months ago, I went to another skater and expressed concern that I was "holding others back" during some practices. I was told to "keep trying, practice is for practice".
I thought about it, and that's totally true. It's not just practice for your individual skills, it is practice for everyone, both individually and as a team. So when I skate with a newer skater or someone I wouldn't prefer to skate with, I try to keep that in mind, and give feed back while we are doing a drill or whatever that helps them be a better skater. And sometimes, it feels like it is at the expense of my own personal practice time. But it isn't. It is Anja getting to practice being a teammate and leader. And I absolutely get out of it, what I put into it.
Every time you help a less experienced or someone who has trouble with a particular skill you are good at better their skills, you bring the whole team up. It makes you look BETTER on the track. Every time you make someone feel comfortable being able to practice up to their best ability, you win, they win. We win as a team. And the opposite can be true. Every time you decide that you don't like that person for whatever perceived or actual issue you have, and let that affect your attitude on the track, you, them and the team all lose for a second.
I've been really lucky that I have gotten feedback and encouragement and help from really great skaters, and honestly, I've gotten really great advice from skaters who are less experienced or don't really even like me. I appreciate all of it. Because if I am a better skater and teammate, then our practices are even better/harder because I am a better opponent during practice, which will in turn make everyone better skaters. When my teammates are better skaters, it helps make me work harder to be a better skater. We are all connected. Because it's a team. We don't win games because our jammers know how to break down their own teammate's walls. We will win games when we teach our blockers how to stop us and we have to think differently. We do this by learning as a team.
Our individual skills on the track matter. But derby is a team sport. Our team skates at least twice a week for 2 hours, more if you are travel 11 months out of the year. At a minimum you have roughly 192 HOURS of practice time. If you are having trouble taking a two minute jam with a skater you don't like, or you feel isn't worth your practice time on a 15 minute drill, or whatever, the problem isn't them. It's you.
Because practice, is for practice.
I thought about it, and that's totally true. It's not just practice for your individual skills, it is practice for everyone, both individually and as a team. So when I skate with a newer skater or someone I wouldn't prefer to skate with, I try to keep that in mind, and give feed back while we are doing a drill or whatever that helps them be a better skater. And sometimes, it feels like it is at the expense of my own personal practice time. But it isn't. It is Anja getting to practice being a teammate and leader. And I absolutely get out of it, what I put into it.
Every time you help a less experienced or someone who has trouble with a particular skill you are good at better their skills, you bring the whole team up. It makes you look BETTER on the track. Every time you make someone feel comfortable being able to practice up to their best ability, you win, they win. We win as a team. And the opposite can be true. Every time you decide that you don't like that person for whatever perceived or actual issue you have, and let that affect your attitude on the track, you, them and the team all lose for a second.
I've been really lucky that I have gotten feedback and encouragement and help from really great skaters, and honestly, I've gotten really great advice from skaters who are less experienced or don't really even like me. I appreciate all of it. Because if I am a better skater and teammate, then our practices are even better/harder because I am a better opponent during practice, which will in turn make everyone better skaters. When my teammates are better skaters, it helps make me work harder to be a better skater. We are all connected. Because it's a team. We don't win games because our jammers know how to break down their own teammate's walls. We will win games when we teach our blockers how to stop us and we have to think differently. We do this by learning as a team.
Our individual skills on the track matter. But derby is a team sport. Our team skates at least twice a week for 2 hours, more if you are travel 11 months out of the year. At a minimum you have roughly 192 HOURS of practice time. If you are having trouble taking a two minute jam with a skater you don't like, or you feel isn't worth your practice time on a 15 minute drill, or whatever, the problem isn't them. It's you.
Because practice, is for practice.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
They are Always Watching.
I didn't make the B team. For clarification, I am eligible, but my peers didn't choose me. While I whined for a bit, and have worried since, the only "w" word, I should focus on here is "work". So that's that.
I spent an afternoon, a few days later, with my daughter. She also plays derby. When I put myself down, she immediately tried to make me feel better. Because that's the type of kid she is. Taking that into consideration... She wants to be like me and she isn't going to want to keep working in that direction if I keep labeling myself as "A Loser" every time I make a mistake or feel like I had a poor practice, she is watching and listening. If she makes those same mistakes, she is learning that she is also, "a loser".
That's the very last thing I want. I don't even want her to aspire to me like me. I want her to want MORE and it would be really hard for her to hit HER personal highest potential if I show her that I lack self-worth in the most important person. Myself. At some point she may think...'I can't [rap Slick Rick's Bedtime Story] as well as my mom, so I must suck at it, why bother trying'. When really, it is just a lack of experience, or knowledge in how to do something. I want her to see that I have a passion to succeed and meet my personal goals. I don't suck. I just need to work harder to get where I want to be. Perhaps, I won't meet every goal, but I try my damnedest to make it happen. I want her to see that. In order for that to happen, I need to stop highlighting to her, to everyone and to myself, all the things I can't do. I mean, why say, it? We all know what we can't do.
The draft for home teams is this week. I can't say that I am not anxious about it. I totally am. I was passed by before, and passed by for the B team. But you know what? I would make a great addition to any of the teams there. And if they don't see that, well, It won't stop me from shining and doing my best. Because I am someone who doesn't give up on their dreams.
I hope my kids can see that. And if they don't. I need to change my behavior so they do. I have that power.
 |
| Anya getting through the pack with Tampa Jr. Derby. |
That's the very last thing I want. I don't even want her to aspire to me like me. I want her to want MORE and it would be really hard for her to hit HER personal highest potential if I show her that I lack self-worth in the most important person. Myself. At some point she may think...'I can't [rap Slick Rick's Bedtime Story] as well as my mom, so I must suck at it, why bother trying'. When really, it is just a lack of experience, or knowledge in how to do something. I want her to see that I have a passion to succeed and meet my personal goals. I don't suck. I just need to work harder to get where I want to be. Perhaps, I won't meet every goal, but I try my damnedest to make it happen. I want her to see that. In order for that to happen, I need to stop highlighting to her, to everyone and to myself, all the things I can't do. I mean, why say, it? We all know what we can't do.
The draft for home teams is this week. I can't say that I am not anxious about it. I totally am. I was passed by before, and passed by for the B team. But you know what? I would make a great addition to any of the teams there. And if they don't see that, well, It won't stop me from shining and doing my best. Because I am someone who doesn't give up on their dreams.
I hope my kids can see that. And if they don't. I need to change my behavior so they do. I have that power.
Monday, May 6, 2013
I've got your back, do you have mine?
I remember a conversation a bit over a year ago that ended with me saying, "well, if it wasn't for derby, I don't really think we would be 'friends'." and with this, the person burst out into tears. I remember thinking to myself: "What is this? You are shit talking behind my back.... I should be the one crying."
I still wonder.
We aren't going to like everyone we meet. Or, they might not like you. That's all ok. Some people set up their world with everything around them telling them the things they want to hear. I try setting up my world with the things I NEED to hear. If you are going to talk shit about people, you don't belong in my world. I don't want to hear it. I'll listen. But don't expect me to agree with you. In fact, it's that point that has had me in the past speaking out against it, because I think that people assume that if you say nothing and just nod, you are agreeing with what has been said. Which isn't always true, you may believe the opposite, you may even be outraged with what the person said, but if you say nothing, the person talking, can pretty much assume anything they want.
I would rather have friends that stood up for me in the moment, rather than came to be later with the gossip and still tried to be chummy with both of us. If you choose to do that, please exit from my life. No hurt feelings here.
Life is too short to wonder who has your back.
I still wonder.
We aren't going to like everyone we meet. Or, they might not like you. That's all ok. Some people set up their world with everything around them telling them the things they want to hear. I try setting up my world with the things I NEED to hear. If you are going to talk shit about people, you don't belong in my world. I don't want to hear it. I'll listen. But don't expect me to agree with you. In fact, it's that point that has had me in the past speaking out against it, because I think that people assume that if you say nothing and just nod, you are agreeing with what has been said. Which isn't always true, you may believe the opposite, you may even be outraged with what the person said, but if you say nothing, the person talking, can pretty much assume anything they want.
I would rather have friends that stood up for me in the moment, rather than came to be later with the gossip and still tried to be chummy with both of us. If you choose to do that, please exit from my life. No hurt feelings here.
Life is too short to wonder who has your back.
Friday, March 22, 2013
ASS U ME
I realized the other day what a jerk I have been.
I assume that all the negative, horrible people I have ever met in my life are the people I am meeting that day, in just different bodies. From the start, I assume the worst. I am not going to put on some rose-colored glasses and say that everyone loves me or finds me amazing, because I am an optimist that doesn't eliminate all the negative choices, I just generally chose to play up the positive ones. I see the negative and I know it's there.
But it isn't safe to assume that everyone feels the same way that a few shitty people I have met in my life, feel. In fact, if people knew I was thinking that, why would they give me a chance at all?
When I see someone who is new skating, I don't assume they suck. I just assume they need to work on things. Or maybe that is the best of their ability today. Kudos for them just getting their asses off the couch, it's hard to put yourself out there. Why wouldn't I think that most people are more like me? So when I need help with my skating skills, and people help me, instead of me feeling like I am being called out for being a shitty skater, I should know that they may just see potential or how I could do things better. The same way that I would do for anyone else.
When I assume that people don't like me, I start acting as if people don't like me. I appear closed off. I put up a wall. And it's a pretty good fricking wall. If there is one thing I do really freaking-all-balls-out-amazing, it's put up a wall. No one wants to be hurt. I am no stranger to that feeling. But I have been through the worst of shit and I have come out on top, where the air is fresh and life is beautiful.
Every time I realize I am doing it, I try to address it. And every time I do that, I get a little better at taking the wall down for longer.
"let feel one more time, what it feels like to feel and break these calluses off of me, one more time... " Someday, I will get it.
In the meantime, don't make assumptions about people. I got something in my email from "the universe". Telling me to treat everyone as if they are as brilliant as I am. Because quite honestly, in some way, they are. We all are.
Be shiny!
XOXO
Anja
I assume that all the negative, horrible people I have ever met in my life are the people I am meeting that day, in just different bodies. From the start, I assume the worst. I am not going to put on some rose-colored glasses and say that everyone loves me or finds me amazing, because I am an optimist that doesn't eliminate all the negative choices, I just generally chose to play up the positive ones. I see the negative and I know it's there.
But it isn't safe to assume that everyone feels the same way that a few shitty people I have met in my life, feel. In fact, if people knew I was thinking that, why would they give me a chance at all?
When I see someone who is new skating, I don't assume they suck. I just assume they need to work on things. Or maybe that is the best of their ability today. Kudos for them just getting their asses off the couch, it's hard to put yourself out there. Why wouldn't I think that most people are more like me? So when I need help with my skating skills, and people help me, instead of me feeling like I am being called out for being a shitty skater, I should know that they may just see potential or how I could do things better. The same way that I would do for anyone else.
When I assume that people don't like me, I start acting as if people don't like me. I appear closed off. I put up a wall. And it's a pretty good fricking wall. If there is one thing I do really freaking-all-balls-out-amazing, it's put up a wall. No one wants to be hurt. I am no stranger to that feeling. But I have been through the worst of shit and I have come out on top, where the air is fresh and life is beautiful.
Every time I realize I am doing it, I try to address it. And every time I do that, I get a little better at taking the wall down for longer.
"let feel one more time, what it feels like to feel and break these calluses off of me, one more time... " Someday, I will get it.
In the meantime, don't make assumptions about people. I got something in my email from "the universe". Telling me to treat everyone as if they are as brilliant as I am. Because quite honestly, in some way, they are. We all are.
Be shiny!
XOXO
Anja
Monday, March 4, 2013
We See You.
I moved to Florida, if you didn't know. I love it here. Traffic is crazy, but everything else is amazing. I have never moved more than an hour away from my family. Thank goodness for social media. You are never alone with FB. :p
I started with a new derby league, Tampa Bay Derby Darlins. They are an amazing, talented group of women, who I am learning a lot from. Last night was my third practice with them. As we pulled into the parking lot, I said again, to my husband, "I hate being late, getting here when it starts is still late, everyone else is on the floor, I don't want to draw attention to myself". I hate that. I have not gone to college classes, because I hate walking in late. That didn't do me or my grades any good, and the same holds true for derby. So I suck it up and go in anyway.
During practice (and other practices I have attended in my derby career) a skill would be introduced and then we would line up and do it. Some stuff I could do fairly well. Other things not so great. When it is your turn to do stuff, like many people, I feel as if I am on display and everyone is being hypercritical of what I am doing. Maybe a few are. But most. Like me, when I watch another skater, are trying to watch how the good ones do it, so I can try what they are doing and do it right! OR we see someone else do it like we do it, and feel relieved and willing to try. Either way, we learn from watching the other skaters. Most of the time, I am not watching even who the skater was. I mostly, just notice their feet and how they hold their body, or move. (For some reason, a picture pops into my mind about a shirt that says, "Quit talking to my boobs" HAHA)
At the end of practice, (Great practice, by the way, I love working skills and agility like we did.) a group of skaters were talking about paying dues and ins. She looked at me, and said, "Don't worry, we see you. You're trying." Taken in context this means nothing really, except that I need to pay my dues, and I won't get charged the late fee. I went home and didn't think anything of it. I went to bed.
This morning, I had a terrible nightmare. About my ex husband. I can't remember ever having such a vivid dream. It was like a movie. It ended with me shooting him. The whole dream, I was terrified that he was going to kill me, which was his goal in the dream, and I was scared that no one would remember me, and I won't be there for my kids and that I was just going to disappear. I didn't want to disappear.
I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPEAR.
Regardless of my attempts to blend in. To not be noticed... Wouldn't it be worse if I succeeded?
Those little words, "We see you. You are trying."
Thank goodness.
I started with a new derby league, Tampa Bay Derby Darlins. They are an amazing, talented group of women, who I am learning a lot from. Last night was my third practice with them. As we pulled into the parking lot, I said again, to my husband, "I hate being late, getting here when it starts is still late, everyone else is on the floor, I don't want to draw attention to myself". I hate that. I have not gone to college classes, because I hate walking in late. That didn't do me or my grades any good, and the same holds true for derby. So I suck it up and go in anyway.
During practice (and other practices I have attended in my derby career) a skill would be introduced and then we would line up and do it. Some stuff I could do fairly well. Other things not so great. When it is your turn to do stuff, like many people, I feel as if I am on display and everyone is being hypercritical of what I am doing. Maybe a few are. But most. Like me, when I watch another skater, are trying to watch how the good ones do it, so I can try what they are doing and do it right! OR we see someone else do it like we do it, and feel relieved and willing to try. Either way, we learn from watching the other skaters. Most of the time, I am not watching even who the skater was. I mostly, just notice their feet and how they hold their body, or move. (For some reason, a picture pops into my mind about a shirt that says, "Quit talking to my boobs" HAHA)
At the end of practice, (Great practice, by the way, I love working skills and agility like we did.) a group of skaters were talking about paying dues and ins. She looked at me, and said, "Don't worry, we see you. You're trying." Taken in context this means nothing really, except that I need to pay my dues, and I won't get charged the late fee. I went home and didn't think anything of it. I went to bed.
This morning, I had a terrible nightmare. About my ex husband. I can't remember ever having such a vivid dream. It was like a movie. It ended with me shooting him. The whole dream, I was terrified that he was going to kill me, which was his goal in the dream, and I was scared that no one would remember me, and I won't be there for my kids and that I was just going to disappear. I didn't want to disappear.
I DON'T WANT TO DISAPPEAR.
Regardless of my attempts to blend in. To not be noticed... Wouldn't it be worse if I succeeded?
Those little words, "We see you. You are trying."
Thank goodness.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Sometimes, I'm Wrong.
I was wrong. Don't gasp! It happens. A lot.
I said that I would never let my kids be involved with the local Jr. Derby league. At some point in the past, there was a falling out with me and a coach I had. It wasn't that I didn't learn a lot, I totally did. It wasn't that we didn't get a long. It was just a couple particular incidents that were compounded with a particular individual. Based on that, I said that I would never allow it.
Then, I saw the league playing at a scrimmage. I saw these girls playing their hearts out. I saw the adults treating the kids with dignity and respect and pride. And I realized that I was wrong.
For some reason a few weeks prior, I had decided that life was too short to spend your time going to events and feeling uncomfortable around people who were there. People who had stuff in common with you. So out of the blue, I took a chance and put it out there, that I was willing to get a long. The really awesome part of this story, is that they made it really easy. I don't know that I would have been so gracious had it been me. I'd like to think I would. It wasn't until after I decided to do this, that I saw the Darlings of Destruction play.
Impressed.
I was pondering all of this one day, and a wise derby girl said to me, "they've grown, we all have." She was right. I am really thankful that bygones can be bygones. I am really happy that my family is welcome. I am really happy that I got some friends back. And I am making new ones.
I'm glad I was wrong. And I am sorry that I couldn't see what was so obvious now. It was never about us.
I just wanted to write this all down, because I am so grateful.
Call this my after practice, derby high.
XOXO
Anja
I said that I would never let my kids be involved with the local Jr. Derby league. At some point in the past, there was a falling out with me and a coach I had. It wasn't that I didn't learn a lot, I totally did. It wasn't that we didn't get a long. It was just a couple particular incidents that were compounded with a particular individual. Based on that, I said that I would never allow it.
Then, I saw the league playing at a scrimmage. I saw these girls playing their hearts out. I saw the adults treating the kids with dignity and respect and pride. And I realized that I was wrong.
For some reason a few weeks prior, I had decided that life was too short to spend your time going to events and feeling uncomfortable around people who were there. People who had stuff in common with you. So out of the blue, I took a chance and put it out there, that I was willing to get a long. The really awesome part of this story, is that they made it really easy. I don't know that I would have been so gracious had it been me. I'd like to think I would. It wasn't until after I decided to do this, that I saw the Darlings of Destruction play.
Impressed.
I was pondering all of this one day, and a wise derby girl said to me, "they've grown, we all have." She was right. I am really thankful that bygones can be bygones. I am really happy that my family is welcome. I am really happy that I got some friends back. And I am making new ones.
I'm glad I was wrong. And I am sorry that I couldn't see what was so obvious now. It was never about us.
I just wanted to write this all down, because I am so grateful.
Call this my after practice, derby high.
XOXO
Anja
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